Hello everyone. My name is Sam and I finally realize that I am 26 years old and it’s suddenly becoming less and less cute to still be dependent on my parents for things. No, they don’t help me with my rent. No, they don’t give me money for shit like clothes and booze. And no, even when I venture to Costco with my mom, the only free things I get are free samples (and maybe an extra 1-2 pounds in my ass… I mean raviolis help). But, like, seriously, they do still pay for a lot of stuff.
So there was that health insurance thing. Until I got kicked off that plan because I turned 26 and that’s like the hard-hitting age where even the President has to be like okay, no, you’re an adult, you need to stop living off your parents and get your shit together. Like my parents tried to tell me for a few years that this was eventually going to happen, but HAHA why would I listen to them. So then Mr. Prez had to come in and be like NO – YOU OLD AS FUCK. Get your own health insurance AND GROW THE FUCK UP.
Okay. That sucked. I mean, I’m just tryna pay my rent and also eat mostly organic foods with only the fanciest of wines and then take this really trendy expensive workout class called Pure Barre so I don’t turn into an obese person, because nutella exists, so that could happen. Maybe if it wasn’t so expensive to LIVE, I would be able to function as a decent human being who wasn’t so broke slash financially dependent on others and also maybe wasn’t an asshole slash horrible person.
But, to be fair to myself, I pay for the barre classes. I pay for the organic foods and the pre-cut sweet potatoes and pre-washed brussel sprouts. I pay for my health insurance (lol i can say that now). I pay for commuting. I pay rent. I pay bills. AND I still somehow pay for my weekend lifestyle, which now seems to include more of me lying on the couch fighting to stay awake but also still occasionally features blackout Sam running around Boston trying to hop in the nearest Uber after making bad choices, such as dabbling in Fireball and Red Bull Vodka.
So anyway, I’ve got my shit together. Do I have my shit together as much as I thought I would at age 26? No. I thought I would be getting married and thinking about having kids at age 26. Nowhere near that, guys. Do I have my shit together as much as one is expected to at age 26? Probably not, but whatever. Do I have my shit together enough though? Yuppppppp.
I now look ahead to *30* and say to myself, “by 30, you should really, probably have your shit together,” but… let’s be serious here. That’s 4 years away (omg, small freakout happening right now). Am I going to have my money situation figured out and become a real live adult in 4 years?! I mean, is that enough time to get your shit together? NO!
To be honest… I don’t think that you ever really get your shit together. But you get some shit together with each passing year. The problem: more shit you don’t have together seems to pile up and grow each year too.
Four years ago, I wouldn’t have thought I’d be casually talking about buying a new car… but guess what? I’m casually talking about buying a new car. And when I say casually, I mean casually, because it wasn’t until recently that I realized I got my car 10 years ago and that’s why it won’t work anymore (almost-RIP rav4). How I will afford, finance, and buy a new car is a mystery, but tevs — I’ll keep talking about it.
So cool, I’m attempting to take one more leap towards adulthood, but then there’s still all these other things that have to happen… Like buying houses (I say houses plural because I’m going to have houses duh — one main one, a couple side houses for vacas and shit) and affording furniture and then paying for CHILDREN when that happens and then LIFE IN GENERAL. LIFE JUST KEEPS GETTING MORE EXPENSIVE.
I honestly don’t think I’ll ever catch up. And I’m glad I’m realizing that right now at age 26 as I write this blog post because why do I even care? I’m never going to completely have my shit together. But I have enough of it together right now, so I win.
Now I shall continue to stop my dad from kicking me off the family plan. Because that is my nightmare.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE INDIVIDUAL PHONE PLANS HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
(On another very pressing topic, VERIZON WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF UNLIMITED DATA???)