1. OMG. I want everything. Literally, I am having a heart attack right now. Shirts. Shoes. Dresses. Jewelry. Bathing suits. OH FOR THE LOVE OF THINGS I DON’T NEED. I’m going to buy it all.
2. Is this what the kids are wearing these days? Wait, what happened to fashion? Is all this stuff actually trendy right now? Like, I haven’t seen anyone wearing patterns like this yet. Are people going to start? Am I going to be late to the party if I don’t hop on board right now? And what’s with all the crop tops? When would I ever wear a crop top? I wouldn’t even look good in a crop top so I guess it doesn’t really matter. And what about floral crowns? Why are they so expensive? Where can I get stuff to wear to work nowadays? OMG THESE MC HAMMER PANTS FEEL LIKE PAJAMAS. Wait, I need stuff I can wear to work. BUT THEY ARE SO COMFORTABLE. Okay, I’ll do one…
3. Where would I wear this? OMG! THIS. DRESS. Need it now. But… when would I wear it? I, like, don’t go out anymore. Do I have any events coming up? Umm… no. Could I have any events come up? Is anyone going to get engaged or something? Maybe someone will pick a nice place for their birthday that I could wear this to. Wait no! I’ll plan a girls night at [fancy bar/club here]. But when would I do that? I have no free weekends coming up. OKAY FINE. I won’t buy it. Yet. I’ll be back though…
4. Ugh they don’t have my size. Should I buy it anyway and lose some weight? I could, like, tape this shirt to the fridge as motivation to not open it until the shirt fits. Or should I not buy it in case I don’t lose weight? I mean, Summer is almost here and I’ll soon be drinking margaritas on the reg. Wait – maybe I should cut back on the margs this year. I really can’t afford to gain any more pounds. I guess I’ll just wait until they have my size. Maybe I’ll come back next week. I mean, I’m not going to ask if they have a bigger size in storage. That’s, like, social suicide. I’m smaller than I look – I swear.
5. Do I have to try this on? I DON’T WANNAAAAAAAAA. I really have no interest in taking off my clothes right. Okay, no, I’m just really lazy and taking your clothes off is a process. Why can’t people just go shopping naked? That would solve the problem of having to take off your clothes. Wait no. I don’t want to look at myself naked. Especially in dim lighting surrounded by mirrors that expose what I REALLY look like from the back and the side. Maybe I can try these clothes on at home and return them if they don’t fit. What’s the return policy here?
6. I wonder if I can wear this once and then return it. Sooo should I just buy this dress and return it after I wear it tonight (and maybe once next week to work?). I can’t imagine I’ll wear it again after taking a bunch of pictures in it. And it’s sooooo much money. If they don’t give you a full refund, I would take the store credit. I could just get something else… I’m going to get something else here in the next month anyway. I wonder if they ever catch on to people who buy, wear, and return. What if they have some database and see I’ve done this before? What if I get caught? Whatever. How would they know I didn’t try it on at home and realize I hated it? It’s not like you can see how something really looks in these dressing rooms. They make them dark for a reason… EVERYONE LOOKS GOOD IN THE DARK. Why do you think people enjoy sex more with the lights off? But I kind of like shopping more than sex anyway…
7. What would a guy think of this? What DO guys really think of tribal patterns? Or this shirt covered in mini giraffes? Would they think I’m weird if I wore a floral crown out in public? I know, I know. I dress for girls. But, like, I want guys to think I’m hot. Would this make me look hot – or like a model from Derek Zoolander’s Derelicte line? Ugh. I guess I’ll buy it anyway. But first… let me take a selfie… and then send it to my friends asking for their opinion.
8. Can I actually afford this? If you have to ask, the answer is no. The real question is: will I buy this anyway? I didn’t go out last night, so I could probably swing it. I mean this dress is basically less money than I would have spent last night if I went out. Maybe I could get a necklace too. That would equal a night out. #JUSTIFICATION.
9. Okay, let’s be real – I can’t actually afford anything here so I should probably check out the sale rack. This $10 shirt is marked down from $70? I need it. OMG. This shirt was originally $125 and is now $50?! Wow. I don’t even know if I like it, but it’s such a great deal. And since it was originally expensive that must mean it looks expensive, and would therefore make me look expensive. Wait – but why is all this stuff on sale? Like, why is it so cheap? Is it because no one is buying it? Is this stuff not trendy anymore? Will I look un-stylish wearing this item? BUT IT’S SO CHEAP. Like, anything under $40 is closer to 0 than 100, so this stuff is basically free. Okay, I’ll buy one sale thing. Why not?
10. How much money do I have available on my credit card right now? Wait – do I actually have the funds for this? I should look on my phone before it’s my turn in this line. Okay, balance is running low in my checking account. What about my credit card? Come on phone — You need to hurry up and load the credit card company’s website. Ugh, it’s not maxed out but if I keep pulling shit like this it will be. Should I take money from my savings account? No, no time. I’m next in line. Okay, I’ll just put it on my credit card (or even worse… if you’re at Nordstrom, your Nordstrom card — AKA SATAN).