I come across this a lot in my coaching work. Either women who accuse their partners of leaving them or couples who have clearly no chance to survive because one of the two people is usually already one foot out.
When women complain they were dumped, there’s something particular I like to inquire about the relationship they have with themselves. It’s an uncomfortable question, but what I tell my clients in therapy all the time is that nothing worth having comes off easily.
All the good things in life hurt before they get better. Wine – has to mature for a couple years, cheese – if it’s not properly made it will hurt your stomach, sex – it definitely ONLY gets better with time, patience and curiosity – and the list can go on forever. So why would anyone think things come along easier with love?
When you are ready to accept that the reason your partner left you has to do not just with your treatment of them, but also with the way you look after yourself, you will be one step further to achieving the emotional maturity amazing, life-long relationships require.
Maybe you didn’t pay attention to the way he looked at you anymore. Maybe you’ve grown comfortable, even tired to take notice.
Maybe you’ve subconsciously decided this relationship is not what you need, but on a conscious level chosen to stay in the partnership much longer than was healthy for both of you.
When this happens, it’s our minds not paying attention to our intuition. We tend to force ourselves to continue and engage in a relationship that’s not working for us and ignore what our gut says.
So it makes sense that you stay in the relationship without being fulfilled and you also deliberately choose to stop working for it.
You stay until the other decides to leave because you can’t own up to your true feelings or you’re afraid to be on your own.
Maybe the sex was not as exciting as it used to be, but you’ve preferred to replace it with movie marathons and gadgets, instead of channelling your own resources to meet your partner’s needs.
Men are highly sexual creatures. While it’s obviously natural that as the happy hormones levels drop with time and sexual desire is gradually replaced by comfort, it’s not very wise to stop working for your pleasure and intimacy.
When women tell me they’ve grown bored sexually or don’t experience any desire anymore, I fire this question:
What if I told you your partner stopped feeling loved because you denied them sex?
While women’s desire in a relationship is 80% more likely to drop after the first year than men’s (who will maintain their desire for an average of 3 more years).
It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
The belief that we are only responsible for our own choices and actions is somewhat untrue when it comes to romantic partnerships though.
We are beings that naturally react and base our actions on the more subtle or more elevated changes in our close environments. Like tectonic plates, we shift and turn according to our own compass, but sometimes we need to twist and turn based on the other person’s needs as well. So stating we are only responsible for ourselves is not entirely true. We are definitely not islands.
When a man leaves, he leaves for a reason (or a bundle of reasons altogether).
Men can be sensitive, fragile creatures too.
They can feel misunderstood, rejected, or triggered to react agressively or passively just like women are.
We are not that much different in our fundamental needs.
So why is it that your man dumped you and what could you do next time to prevent this from happening?
First of, I’d like you to sit down with yourself and consider a list of all the things you did for the relationship in order to make it work.
Most often than not, women come to me complaining they did only so much and he was still an undeniable piece of a motherfucker who stepped on everything they loved and left them broken.
I would like you to offer the benefit of a doubt to that belief.
Instead of pointing fingers at your partner, analyze the core reasons why he wasn’t happy.
Maybe he was sexually frustrated.
Maybe he did not see you look at him with that love in your eyes that made him grow fond of what you had.
Maybe he felt betrayed by your lack of interest in his life, personality or goals.
We often blame failure for lack of compatibility.
What we don’t digest, though, is that in reality compatibility has little to do with the way our relationships evolve. It can either make you or break you, but it’s the one element you need to work through, potentially all your life.
Confidence is another element you should pay attention to.
A confident man is a satisfied man.
I’m not talking here exclusively about sexual gratification, but about the type of confidence that stems from having a deep, undeniable mental and soulful connection with the woman he loves.
Self respect is another aspect, maybe one of the most underlooked ones.
We are told we should respect our partners and demand respect from them, but are we truly respecting ourselves?
Think about it.
The key to a happy relationship is not doubting yourself and your partner each day – or growing so used to them that you end up taking them for granted.
It is constant work, challenges overcome together and a sense of honour that drive people into successful commitments.
So now, do you know why he dumped you?