A lot of people have asked me recently why I haven’t written anything in some time…and honestly it’s because I’ve been living. Like really living, going out, and experiencing things. My life took some drastic and devastating turns since March and I wasn’t coping with them how I should’ve. I was a wreck, honestly. I just had too much on my plate and I wanted the world to just slow down and stop spinning for one second. And it did, or at least mine did. When all the bad things kind of drifted, I went numb. But eventually I got up, gained some strength and started living.
My life is again spinning at a rapid pace, but it’s a fun one. In fact, this time I’m not letting the world spin around me; I’m spinning with it. I am going out and socializing. I am laughing and I am dancing. I am making memories with people I truly love and love me; all of the good, the bad, the in-betweens. Some days I’m hysterically funny, some days I want to cry and some days I’m a bitch.
People love to talk and may think you’re going out and having too much fun, trying to numb pain that you don’t talk about often, maybe they’re right. Some may think it’s about time you’ve been living and making decisions for yourself…the thing is you shouldn’t care. I don’t care what anyone says because I truly am having the best times I’ve ever had. I think about all that time I wasted being in a relationship I knew was going to fail. Or blaming myself for things I can’t change.
I literally remember being okay with settling for something I knew I wasn’t 1000% sure of. I would look at my life, with my situations and be like, “Well this is my life and my future so, that’s that.” As if I didn’t have a choice in the matter. HA! It’s like I knew certain things weren’t making me happy but so involved already; I kind of just said fuck it. I accepted not being true to myself and I think that bothers me the most. Now, I go out and I am so ME, I don’t know who I ever was trying to be before. I’m not the girl at the party that is going to sit quietly and keep you company in a corner. I am going to dance, with or without you. I’m not the perfect, none of us are.
That’s the beauty of it all.
We all have flaws, insecurities and baggage but we shouldn’t feel bad about ourselves. We shouldn’t apologize for the way who we are or why we’re wired a different way. Personally, I’ve got my long hair swaying in messy waves, my tattoos displayed on me like a walking canvas and a couple scars. And I love it. I love everything about who I am. Not because I’m conceited or because I think the sun shines out of my eyes…but because I know who I am and I’m tired of feeling down about insecurities I have or what others think.
I am so unapologetically myself and it took a lot of bad things and people and situations to make me bloom into this way of thinking and feeling. I am honest, so honest that maybe sometimes it causes me to be in awkward situations. It shouldn’t have to be that way. You shouldn’t have to hide parts of you or act a certain way to pertain a certain persona, be true to yourself. Tell it like it is.
I’m not saying go around and act like a jerk to people…. always be nice but honest and sincere. If you don’t like something, change it. If something is hurting you, speak up and let it out. Don’t hold back or alter your actions or thinking because of what may happen. When you do that you’re only depriving yourself. There is nothing more beautiful than not only accepting yourself, but also loving yourself. It is so raw and painfully satisfying in my opinion being honest and expressing emotions or thoughts. An even better feeling to be comfortable with yourself enough to show that kind of nakedness, the kind where clothes don’t come off. Having those conversations you’ve been meaning to have, or getting that weight and stress that latches on like a leech off your back. Have your head and your heart agreeing.
Be open minded and accepting. Be honest and fearless. Sometimes people say I’m too outspoken, like I have no filter (it’s true) but I like to keep it real, for everyone and for myself. I am no longer afraid of what anyone says or does because it can’t hurt me anymore. I’m confident in my decisions and myself. And it’s easier to know what’s the right move for me now. Stop talking to people that cause more drama and stress than happiness. Don’t dwell on anything either. Make a decision about something and follow through.
This is what being happy and living life for you is. It also is a healthy mindset. What I’m trying to say is be true to you, all your shades, colors and forms. And don’t apologize for being exactly who you are. Once you’ve managed to look at yourself and be happy with the person you are inside and out, you start glowing like you’re falling in love for the first time. I’ve finally fell in love with myself and know what makes me happy and feel good. Now, the world has opened up and I am ready to explore without fear, regret or doubt. So open yours and come live too.