1. The Desperate Guy
Perhaps he is trying to up his number or get back at an ex who hooked up with his best friend. Maybe it’s your skintight pencil skirt that has him practically drooling, or maybe the alcohol just makes him into some kind of strange, forward drunk that is trying to get some in all the wrong ways. If you you spot one before he makes eye contact, stay at the other side of the bar.
2. The Creeper
He is the worst among all the species out there. As my journalism professor said, “Guys, there is nothing worse than a girl calling you a creeper. No girl says, ‘Hey, he’s a creeper but he’s actually really cute!’” Well said, professor. It is true. Looking out for a creeper isn’t necessary because he is always RIGHT THERE. He is at the end of the bar having a staring contest with you even though you’re not staring back. He is offering to light up your Marlboro before you have the chance to get one out of your bag. He has no lines drawn and crosses all of yours to the point where you want to curse him out, but you’re almost too timid.
3. The I.O.U. Guy
This is the guy that comes up to you asking to buy you a drink and if you accept, he thinks he won. However, if you only accept his drink and then try to mingle on or go with your friends, he makes you regret ever talking to him. He makes you feel as though you owe him something because he bought you that $8 watered-down vodka seltzer. He’ll say something like, “So you’re one of those girls who uses a guy for a drink and then walks away.” Steer clear of these guys as if they were the IRS.
4. The Conversationalist
This is the type of guy that has a lot of feelings that come out after a couple of beers. These guys can actually hold a conversation with a girl for longer than “Can I buy you a drink?” and “Wanna hook up?” They have more to say and usually if it’s not creepy, it’s quite interesting. Guys like this will talk about anything from politics to life’s meaning to their religion and culture. Maybe they’ll talk about their life struggles of growing up without a dad or having a bad time in high school. They can go on for hours. They will chew your ear off until you’ve lost your friends and your buzz or the lights come on in the bar.
5. The Over-Intoxicated Guy
He is the overly drunk, annoying, and embarrassing one all over the place as his buddies hold him up. If he can actually make his way to you to talk or ask to buy you a drink, beware. He may vomit on or near you. There is such a thing as too much fun, and he’s had it.
6. The Bare-Minimum Guy
He believes himself to be an overachiever and is conceited. Because of this, he believes in the bare minimum approach. He thinks he’ll get what he wants just by being there. He won’t ask for your number; he’ll expect you to ask and text him first. This guy thinks he’s being a real alpha badass, but really he’s just a wuss. Don’t even waste your minty gum on this guy.
7. The Old Barfly
He is the oldest and definitely most out-of-place in the bar. He is the lonely, depressed, and sexually deprived man that thinks getting sloshed at a bar and trying his luck with young girls might work. He will waste your time with all his nonsense about what he’s accomplished, how his kids are, and how many times his ex-wife fucked him over after their divorce in 2007. He will try to persuade you that it would be more beneficial for you to date an older man because they have experience and money that the men your age don’t. He may even go as far as proposing a “sugar daddy” sort of contract: “Let me pay your rent, get you on your feet. Nothing but your time in return.” Please, before holding back the throw up in your throat, tell him to go home. Or just walk away. You don’t need an old sack of baggage.
8. The Braggart
He is the most obnoxious out of all of them. He is pretty well dressed, soft-spoken, and not a sloppy drunk. He has all his shirts pressed and his boat shoes on. He is the stuck-up guy with money that thinks he could look like Bigfoot and still bring home women. He won’t even bother to ask what kind of drink you like because he is overly confident that he knows women. As you choke on your overly expensive dry martini, you think about how you’d rather be taking a swing of a cold bottled beer. He will constantly talk about what he does, what he drives, and how much money he makes. I am not impressed because the truth is that he is boring. He has nothing to talk about that’s actually worth hearing. Time is money in my world—and he’s just wasted enough. Take those dollar-sign eyes and find those girls looking to dig—you aren’t gold to me.
9. The Bro
He is the typical frat boy or gym rat. He is into himself and his boys. He likes getting drunk and doing stupid things. He isn’t really into you at all, does not want any kind of commitment, and just wants to get it in and get out. He either talks about his frat and their loyal brotherly bond or tells you how much time he spends in the gym as if you care that Tuesday is his leg day. He may even call you “bro” while you chat. He will probably have a nice tan and his eyebrows will look better than yours. He probably gets a mani and pedi from time to time just to keep things fresh. Do not trust a guy with better eyebrows than you; he doesn’t have his priorities right.
10. The Guy Who Never Gets The Hint
This guy is ruthless. He does not get your stern but sweet hints to get the hell out of your face. He is comparable to a small puppy that just follows you around even after you’ve told him you’re going to do your own thing. When you talk to other guys, he introduces himself as if you’ve been friends (or more) for years. Unfortunately for you, the only way to get away from these clingers is to be mean and very direct. You will wind up looking like a bitch, but you’ve dealt with this guy for longer than you wanted. Forgive yourself and laugh it off when he finally leaves.