When I think of you, I am enveloped by every feeling imaginable, an uneasy void, bringing me in and never letting me out. Disappointment, always showing up first. I catch myself thinking “Why isn’t he like the rest of them? What is more important than my obvious existence?” Then there are moments that I wonder, “What is he hiding from?, What kind of excruciating pain is this man living in?” Your only escape is obvious, the bottle in your hand tells a million stories, I only wish I could hear them. I can’t imagine a life such as that, my heart aches for you. I pray for you. It’s at this point that I choose to forgive you, knowing you’re not strong enough to overcome yourself.
I’m sorry that misery is your only company, I’m sorry for the missing pieces I’ll never seem to find or begin to understand. I’m sorry for my bluntness, I don’t want to spend the rest of my days leaving words unspoken. I want an explanation, I deserve a conversation.
So here I am, ripping myself open and screaming it to the world.
Since you won’t listen, maybe they will.
I want you to know that my fondest childhood memories have you in them. I know that my pure love for the outdoors stems from the many adventures growing up. The mere smell of clean air and pine still stops me in my tracks. Remembering how it felt to plant my feet in the cold dirt with only trees and natures noise surrounding me. Those early 4 AM road trips to some wild wilderness, and all the coffee and fast food that went along with it.
I never realized how special it all was until later, and now I cherish those memories more than ever.
I like to think that I am the person I am today because of the childhood I’ve had to learn to recover from. I know that I don’t stand alone in this, even though it feels that way. I strive to create a life for my child that doesn’t involve a recovery, induced by me. I push myself to be dangerously aware of my actions and the words that leave my mouth.
Maybe that’s what this all comes down to, slowly but surely ironing out the wrinkles of each generation until we are almost right.
Don’t worry, I am bounded by strength, I am immersed in happiness and I am grateful. Regardless of the mountains ahead of me, I’ll learn to forgive you.