When She Is The One Who Leaves

I am thinking of things to say to you so that I may know my exact words to you. But I can’t. It’s been almost two months since I told you to give me some time for myself, to determine what I actually want.

I most certainly do not know if this is the right thing to do, but what I know is that I have to end this.

I can’t go on, for neither of us is happy. I don’t think I am as sure of my feelings as much as you are of yours. I want to end this now. As soon as possible. So you can move on and go back to the way you were before you met me.

This sounds stupid and you may think I’m selfish. Go ahead. But I am not the one for you. I do not deserve your love. You love and care too much. And it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. But it’s just not for me. I’m not sure if that is how I want to be loved.

You were great. We laughed together. Went through tough times together. Cried together. We were happy.

It all seemed as if it was you and me against the world. My friends warned me about you and were not that supportive. But that’s okay. I ignored them. My family was not a huge fan of yours. But that’s okay. I felt strong enough to face anything and anyone as long as I had you.

I was so attracted to your intelligence, your love and passion for so many things. For life. For learning. For principle. For dance. We really had wonderful times together, and I will always cherish them. So thank you. Our precious moments of being together, even just for a short while, will always be in my heart.

I’ve learned a lot from you, and from the times we spent together, and apart. I’ve learned what I want and do not want in a relationship. I’ve learned what to do and not to do in particular phases in a relationship. I’ve learned that taking the time to talk will always be your greatest friend in making a relationship work.

We do not want the same things anymore. The person I am now is different from the one I was before.

Point is, this thing we have, is not working. We tried to fix it so many times. Started over a zillion times. But nothing good ever happened. At this point it’s like we don’t even know how to talk to each other. We don’t understand each other. We don’t know each other. We don’t make sense. And it’s because I’ve changed. And I am really sorry.

Maybe this is not for us. This is total BS. But maybe, we’re not supposed to be together. Maybe the girl you’re meant to be with is still out there, waiting for you, writing in her diary, hoping that one day, you would be coming to her life. Maybe we were only destined by a higher power to meet at some point in our lives to learn from each other.

I am oblivious of what the future holds for both of us. But I would say that the present leads us to the future, and I don’t see myself being part of your future.

To be honest, these past few weeks have been difficult, and exhausting, and painful. But I can just imagine how much more they have been for you.

Let’s face it. I am not capable of making you happy anymore. I do not even know how to put a smile on your face. I just continue to bring pain. It is the same the other way around, too.

We complemented each other when we were friends. We were completely different but it worked. There was passion. Wonder. Truth. Bliss. It was real. It made sense. Then why don’t we now? If we really were meant to be together, then we should have found a way back to each other. But we didn’t. We should have brought the best in each other. But we don’t. We stopped being good for each other the moment we took that risk and decided to be more than that.

Perhaps, it just had come to a point where it has got to stop.
I am so sorry.

Please know that the last thing I wanted to do is hurt you.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Goodbye. TC mark

featured image – Emily Mucha

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