I go for long walks; I usually take my dog. It used to be one of my favourite things to do with you, but you never liked it. We took pictures last year walking and you told me how beautiful I was and kissed me on the sidewalk. Now I go for walks to cry by myself. I sit on a bench and stare at the water for what seems like hours, remembering everything that we did together.
We used to go driving, but every time I get in my car and listen to music it reminds me of all the songs we used to sing together.
I know you’d hate the person I am now — my smoking habits, drinking habits. You’d tell me about your brother and lash out. But when I did it, I thought of you. I felt happy to do it, because I knew you’d hate me for it.
You liked my hair long and straight; I wear it short and curly now. You liked when I covered up and wore your clothes; I threw out all your clothes and got a new wardrobe.
You liked when I didn’t wear any makeup; I do mine everyday.
Blue was your favorite colour on me; I never wear it anymore.
Every time I see a nice car, it reminds me of you. You would point it out and say the exact model. Your smile would be so wide and brilliant. The first time I knew I loved you is when we were walking across the street and you gave me that smile. You took your fingers in mine, and the feeling of them entangled was the best feeling I had ever imagined. I’ll never forget the smile you gave me.
I fell for you, and I fell hard. I put every fiber of my being into you. I thought you were my soulmate. It seems so silly now, to have been so young but so happy. You used to shower me with kisses, tangle your fingers in my hair, and tell me you love me. Now when I think of you, my stomach twists and my chest physically hurts. You destroyed me, just as I destroyed you.
I still love you. You’ve moved on, and I hope you find someone that makes you happy, but I’m here. I’m here, listening to stories about you that defeat me in ways that would never affect you if the same things were said about me to you. I loved you more — I know I did. Late at night, I’m lonely. I’m lonely during the day too. I think of all the times we cuddled in bed and you’d draw flowers on my back with your fingertips. I still get shivers thinking of your touch. I can’t breathe without you — it feels like I’m drowning.
“Get over it,” they say.
“You’ll move on,” they tell me.
I know I will, but despite that, you hold a huge part of my life I will never get back. I’ve tortured myself over the last month; there’s a hole in my heart where you once were. Now I try to fill that emptiness, but not even my friends or family can. There are so many things I want to tell you about my life, about what I know, about what I’ve become, but I can’t. Because you don’t respect me, you don’t love me, you don’t care.
And that’s what destroys me the most. Knowing that you fooled me into being this perfect person who didn’t smoke or drink or party and would stay at home with her perfect boyfriend. I wasted the best years of my life on someone who never gave a damn about me. I will regret it for the rest of my life. I won’t look back and see my friends when I think of high school, I’ll see you. I’ll see your face, and all the other faces that fooled me into thinking you loved me. I wish I could go back and never meet you at all.