I write today not so much with a broken heart, but a full heart. A heart that saw and experienced a great love. And that’s not something to be particularly sad about, but rather celebrate.
To those who don’t know my story, I fell in love with a man named K. I chronicled our story here. And to my readers, I left all of you wondering whether K. and I would make it passed him gaining custody of 4 kids and me moving back to college for two more years.
K. and I decided to end our relationship while there was still love in our hearts.
In the last month, there was a turbulence of events I never foresaw. To spare myself the pain of reliving it, I’d rather not go into detail. Somethings are better left in the corners of my mind. Just know that I really tried.
It came to a point where our relationship was no longer a relationship. It was a lover constantly trying to get the attention of her lover. Trying to get him to prioritize their relationship. Trying to get more than 5 minutes of conversation in a day.
I didn’t see how I could love a brick wall that would disappear for a few days at a time. I couldn’t work on something where I did all the work but constantly found myself unhappy, in the dark, and not communicated with. And it was equally painful acknowledging that K. just didn’t have the time to give.
I couldn’t be in a relationship where I felt like the last priority and make my lover feel guilty about it.
You can only bend over backwards with understanding before your own back breaks.
I told K. how I felt. And even though he wanted to make it better in a heartbeat, he knew he just didn’t have the time to give.
So I asked him why don’t we walk away while there’s still no animosity in the air. Because I didn’t how things were going to get better. Neither did he.
And in his words, “It’s for the best. Despite that it is super shitty.”
Despite the pain, in that moment, the entire pressure of maintaining our relationship was lifted off of me. I could breathe again.
And what was beautiful was we became friends. We found our way back to what was easy between us. We spent the night cracking jokes and reminiscing our relationship. And he gave himself too much credit (as usual).
To bring you into the love that existed between us, there were many many laughs. I never went a day without laughing around him. There were days where I’d snuggle into his arms and fall asleep at 8pm. There were days where I was unsure of myself and he would remind me that I am capable of anything I wanted.
There were days where I’d admire his butt from the bed. There were days where I couldn’t stand him. And there were days where all I wanted to do was be with him.
There were days where I thought I was so lucky to have found someone who was smart, funny, kind, charming, loving, passionate, independent, and so damn easy on the eyes. And there were days where I knew he was equally lucky to have me as well.
There were days where I wondered if this relationship even made any sense. And there were days where I thought this was it.
There were days where I wondered if I was falling in love. And there was the day where I knew I was.
We set the boundaries of what our new friendship would look like.
Occasional flirting. Jokes galore. Open if we were dating anyone. And always there if we needed help. We knew we weren’t going to be talking to each other everyday. But we aren’t going to be strangers.
K said, “That sounds good to me — at least…I’ll commit to 2.5 years as friends.” He still manages to be flirty and infuriating even as a friend.
So that’s where we stand. We’re friends. At least while I finish up my college degree. And he finds some stability in his own life. And who knows what will happen.
Maybe he’ll find a new love and someone more suited to being a mother. Maybe I’ll find a new love who adds to my heart again. Or maybe we’ll find our way back to each other in a few years. Life is pretty mysterious. You can’t control what happens. I’m just here for the ride.