1. Get a police sketch done of what you would look like with a beard.
2. Build your playing card pyramids without being hassled by nags of “It’s in the way of the TV” or “Stop doing that in the bathroom.”
3. Refer to every time of the day as “Beer 30.”
4. Hand feed your hungry hungry hippo all of the marbles.
5. When you see a pair of buxom twins walking down the street you can openly express yourself and give your buddies high fives and say, “Heck yeah, someday I’m going to find a woman who loves me and we’ll have twin girls of our own and raise them and love them with all of our hearts.”
6. Get a prostate exam in every state.
7. Have a night out with the boys until you all puke in your favorite bucket.
8. Pickle your toothbrush collection.
9. Purchase a tiny one-inch hat and construct a device around it made of magnifying glasses so the hat looks normal size and wear it around and make it your new thing.
10. Rearrange your kitchen drawers so all the spoons are in the fork’s spot.
11. Wink 13 times at the grocery store cashier.
12. Learn a new smile.
13. Give a peace offering to the neighborhood skunk.
14. Finish creating the new workout craze that will sweep the nation, Only Doing Sit-Ups and Eating Rocky Mountain Oysters.
15. Make ranch flavored Drano because it’s not stupid and pointless, it’s smart and good.
16. Set a picture of Pamela Anderson as your work computer background so people know you are back on the hunt.
17. Make a body wash suicide by mixing several brands of soap together.
18. Completely transform yourself into Skeeter from the hit animated series Doug. Your girlfriend always wanted you to look like Roger Klotz but you knew that wasn’t the real you.