To The Boy Who Got Me Through It

To the boy who got me through it,

I know it might not be fair of me to say this now that we aren’t together anymore, but you still mean the world to me. You mean so much to me, in fact, that I still spend nights laying awake, crying about how badly I hurt you. I make excuses for myself and try not to throw up, but it makes me sick to think about how much compassion you showed me when all I could show you was surface-level love.

I know you aren’t mad at me, but to be honest, sometimes I wish you were. If you were mad at me, I would feel like I was getting what I deserve. You would be justified in hating me. But you don’t, and we both know it. It’s all the more reason to love you.

I want you to know that I do in fact love you. I’m sorry I complicated our lives, but I hope you know that you’re the reason I’m alive. There were days I wanted to simply give up because he was tearing me apart, but you smiled and suddenly I had a reason to live. You gave me purpose and let me be myself, even when that meant I was crying on your bed about the man currently eating me alive while you pricked your fingers picking up the pieces of my soul. You’re the reason I got better and I’m sorry I hurt you along the way.

You deserve the world and I am determined to make sure you get it. I don’t know how I can help there, but I’m at least going to tell the world that you are the boy that pumped blood through my veins while I was busy shooting up some toxic thing I pretended was love. You’re the boy that got me to stop and see what was going on. You’re the boy that stood by me knowing I loved someone else, and I want you to know that I did love you too. I still do.

I refuse to interfere with your happiness any longer. I know things must be hard for you; I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’ve forgiven myself for a lot, but never for that. I miss our jokes and your dumb movies and our playlists and singing Taylor Swift in your car. No one has ever made me feel quite as me as you do, and I hope we can have that back one day. Above all, please know that no one else could have done for me what you did. Many tried, but only you did.

Please know that he wasn’t worth your heart. You didn’t deserve me, but I deserved him.