To The Boy Trying To Love Me,
I joke with other people that you picked a hell of a time to fall for me because I know I can be quite the mess. I’m in a place where emotional highs and lows are the norm and a steady, non-traumatic relationship just feels strange. I’ve been used and abused like an old guitar, and, at this point in my life, I need a lot more maintenance than most girls. That being said, there are some things I think I need to tell you.
At first, I was terrified, and sometimes I still am. I’m not afraid of you at all, just the prospect of being loved, something I know you’re capable of. You have been the calm after the storm in so many ways and, while sometimes there’s still rain, you remind me of the rainbow. You are patient, you are kind, and you are exactly who I need right now.
As I continue on my journey of recovery and self-discovery, I realize you often get the short end of the stick. You have to deal with my distance, my anxieties, my walls and so many other things that have absolutely nothing to do with you and for that, I am sorry. It’s knowing that you handle those things with such ease that drives me to continue to push forward for myself. I don’t know what I did to find someone so understanding of my mess, but I am damn grateful I found it in you.
It’s hard for me to express compassion sometimes because, in my mind, that has been linked with vulnerability. Believe me when I tell you though that I appreciate you beyond words and yes, that scares the hell out of me, but because I feel the way I do, I am trying to push through my fear. You deserve someone who will push through their fears, and I want to be that person. I know I’m a bit more of a chore than others may be and even though it may not always seem like it, I promise you I am giving you my all.
I’ve been hurt by others and by myself. I’ve loved wrongly and I’ve wrongly rejected love. I’ve crawled through a dark world to find you, and sometimes I feel like I’m still crawling. I have anxiety, I talk a lot, I overthink, I am afraid, but I am here. I sometimes panic about nothing, and I often push when what I really need is a hug, but I am here. I let my temper get the best of me, and I can be self-centered and overdramatic, but I am here. I am here, and I have learned and I want to continue to grow for myself, but I also want to grow with you. I want to repay the favor of patience and compassion when you need me and not because I feel obligated, but because I love you.
I suppose a better title would have been ‘To the Boy I’m Trying to Love.’