They say narcissists are incapable of love, but I didn’t buy into that as easily as I would have liked. It would have been no problem to recover if I could convince myself I hated him, but I couldn’t do that because it simply wasn’t true. As often as I did feel fire burning up inside of me after I left, I could never deny the fact that I love him. It’s still hard to admit he never loved me.
I drowned myself in words after I broke free from his grasp, and it was hard to face the facts. When I was with him everything was perfect, or so the fantasy he created would lead me to believe. I read every article I could find afterward, marking off checks for each narcissistic trait I could identify in him until the checks became so abundant, I couldn’t live in denial. The hardest thing to accept has been the idea that he is incapable of love.
I wish I could tell you reading the words of professionals over and over again made it easier, but that would be a lie. I wish I could tell you aligning him as a narcissist made it easier, but that would be a lie too. I wish my words could somehow make it easier for you, but I know that can’t be true.
Sometimes I still think he loves me and yes, that eats me up inside. It’s incredibly hard to admit that because, to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was reading this right now. I guess at some point I decided I wasn’t going to live my life in anxiety and fear though so, here I am admitting that he did not feel what I felt. He simply couldn’t.
If you think that’s something I tell myself to make things easier, you couldn’t be further from the truth. It takes an incredibly strong person to admit that, and I think that’s because there’s a sense of shame associated with it all. How could I push others away for someone who is incapable of loving me the way I love him? The answer is simple: because I love with no regard. Releasing that shame is the key to releasing his toxicity from your life.
I thought I did the hard part by walking away, but the hard part has had less to do with him and more to do with me. The hard part is looking at myself and letting go of the ugly projections I hold inside. The hard part is telling you I loved someone so much that I lost myself, and he could not love me back. The hard part is admitting the fact that I just realized he never loved me.
He is incapable of love, and you? You deserve the moon. Let him go so that you can fly.