In case you haven’t heard this today: You are beautiful. You are important. You matter.
There’s a quote that I’ve lived by for the past couple years now:
“Depression is a flaw in chemistry, not in character.”
I hope one day that I can reverse the stigma that surrounds mental illness and help people understand that depression doesn’t have to mean the end; it can just as easily mean a promising new beginning. It takes time but you can learn from it, and you can grow from it. You are so much more than the dark shadow lingering on your shoulder. Don’t let it control you. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, but one day you will learn that you are immensely stronger than that monster is letting you believe.
If the day came for me to leave this Earth and I was left with just one mere sentence to be remembered by, to hold my legacy, it would be this: It’s okay to admit that you’re not okay.
It took me years to accept that and to this day there are still times when I struggle to let others see my battle, but having the courage to finally open up showed me that I’m on the winning side of this war and I have a relentless army backing me up. You need to have faith in your support system, but more importantly, you need to have faith in yourself. Your wounds don’t make you weak, or ugly. Your wounds make you a fighter and they paint your story with vivid colors of beauty and triumph.
I’m halfway through my senior year of college now, and in the midst of planning my last semester of classes. If you had asked me 3 years ago, during my first couple months of freshman year, what I would want out of my senior year, the only possible response I would have had was to be alive. In my mind, I was nothing. I was less than nothing, and I was at rock bottom. I was barely able to make sense of the present, much less able to see a future, but now I do. I can picture it. There’s more out there for me than I was ever able to let myself believe until recently. I hurt, I bleed, and I cry, but I can tell that my clouds are going to clear up eventually because I also smile, and I dance, and I laugh.
Some nights are worse than others because in this state I believe that it’s just a given. Some nights I still question crashing my car. I question what would come of it if at the last second instead of making that right turn, I floor the gas pedal and continue straight through the light and off the road. Would I feel the liberation I’ve been after all these years? I hope that’s a question that I’m never able to answer. Yes, I still have my weak moments, and yes, at times I still give into the dark thoughts, but I’m getting better. I’m healing thanks to the support from those who surround me and have taken the time and effort to force themselves through my barricaded doors and learn to love and understand me.
I exist, I’m alive, and I’m healing.
And I believe that you can too. Even when you feel that you have nothing left, no one that cares, remember that I do. I’ll be your one man army fighting for you to come out on top.
“The pain that you’ve been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.”
You are beautiful. You are important. You matter.