Why We Fight So Hard For The Wrong People

girl in sunset
Aziz Acharki

I’ve sometimes heard “when you know you know.” I’ve heard stories of women who walked into a room and saw the man they ‘just KNEW’ was the one. I’ve talked to men who told me they planned to ask her after their very first date. I’ve encountered couples who’ve said that said they turned to a friend and told them ‘I just met the person I’m going to marry.’

I wonder. I wonder if those moments only happen once. I wonder if you only get the feeling of “significance” and if it feels any different than “forever.” I wonder if there was ever a moment in the past when they felt a similar feeling with someone who turned out to be all wrong – but they stayed for a while just to see if they were meant to fight a little harder anyways. I wonder when it was, that they realized the gut wrenching feeling of togetherness was only meant to be temporary.

I’d be lying if I said I’d never pictured my future with someone. That I’d never sat across from a man and thought – yah I could see it. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t met someone and immediately thought to myself – ‘this isn’t the last of us.’ Like I could just sense that he would play a critical role in my life. And I’d been right. Yet, I wonder, had it worked out – if I would have understood that feeling to mean something completely different. Like it wasn’t just significance, it was certainty. Like he hadn’t been meant to be a teacher in my life, but rather walk the entire way forward with me.

I wonder if we can sense the permanence of someone immediately or if we simply know right away their imprint will be much stronger than any other stranger. Maybe the feeling of getting to know someone almost as if for the second time can be confused for the idea that he’ll be there forever. What if a sense of compatibility, and ease, and kindness, and passion can misguide your judgment into assuming this love would be lasting. What if sometimes that’s why we fight so hard for the relationships we secretly know are already too broken.

Maybe for some, it’s not simply the fear of being lonely, but also the fear of not
following your misdirected senses. The chance that the feeling you first had at the coffee shop – when you sensed serendipity… when you knew he was meant to be with you – somehow put blinders on your vision… of seeing forever when you
were only meant to see the next chapter of your journey. Maybe experiencing
the proximity of the future and déjà vu with someone makes “fighting for it” seem more obligatory…. Sometimes even long after it was meant to be over.

What if that’s why we fight so hard for all the wrong people. It wasn’t that we didn’t see the problems, but rather that we knew if we could make it through them – the feeling at the coffee shop would have actually meant ‘forever.’ What if the connection that’s actually meant to last, starts out like all the rest, and “the one” is simply the one you’ll never be able to sabotage.

Maybe on our guide-less journey, our gut feelings come in the form of red and green lights, but maybe it’s our head and our heart that still have to decide which direction, and how fast. TC mark

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