Do you think you know before you know? Like in your heart of hearts you just had this feeling from the very beginning that it wasn’t going to work. Do you think deep down you could feel that something was off?
Why did you stay?
It seemed so microscopic at first, didn’t it? Like eventually whatever it was that was bothering you wouldn’t bother you any longer. It seemed like the world you had both been living in was so perfect, except for those one or two things. But what are one or two things in the scheme of love, right?
That’s what we tell ourselves anyways. We tell ourselves that our love story would be perfect had we lived on an island. That we’re perfect together – as long as no one else is involved.
But everyone’s involved.
The truth is, on an island everything would be perfect. Not just your love life, your solitude, your mental health, probably your rockin’ beach bod too (more so because I’m sure it’d be a lot harder to catch seafood from the ocean than it is finding a Starbucks in your neighborhood). But even the island eventually gets old. Even a sunset paradise can cease to amaze had it not been for the darkness that follows.
I think part of us knows, but the other part of us isn’t sure how reliable our feelings really are. What if we’re over thinking? What if things change? What if this is just for now? What if we just relax and things do get better? What if it’s all in our heads?
It’s normal to feel that way, to feel uncertain – to feel like we don’t know if our hearts are searching for the “right guy” or the fictional prince from the Disney movies. We aren’t really sure if our expectations are too high or if we’re really on to something.
Maybe you don’t know until you know. Maybe you knew all along and you didn’t listen to the little voice that just kept telling you to quit – because you didn’t want to be a quitter. Maybe you thought he’d prove you wrong, and it turned out he was always honest about who he was right from day one – but you weren’t listening.
What if that’s really all it is? What if all those time you’d been listening to what he said, the words that he wanted to be true, rather than listening to the way his actions had been defying his tongue? Then again, maybe everything he said was true.
Maybe the reason you’d been fighting yourself is because you knew how much you were trying to convince yourself he didn’t mean it. Maybe he’d been telling you all along how bad he is with plans, how horrible he is with remembering important dates, or how unimportant it was for him to talk everyday, and what you heard was someone who hadn’t met the person he was going to change for.
Maybe what you saw was him, trying to be that guy for you, but his trial was a limited time offer.
Maybe instead of listening with our ears, all we had to do was watch with our eyes. Maybe instead of hearing the words, we should have paid closer attention to our hearts. Maybe instead of thinking of all the ways he didn’t mean what he said, we should have just asked.
Maybe, just maybe, we always know, but sometimes the vibration of his voice blurs our vision.