The realization hit while I was laying in my bed crying over a guy I never dated, or even really knew. When I was a freshman in college I fell head over heels for a baseball player. The typical jock, never went anywhere without his squad and didn’t do anything that would deem him “uncool”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on athletes in any way. In fact, as much as I hate to say it, jocks are my type. In my eyes, if a guy cannot catch a ball then he isn’t the one for me. Growing up in a sports centered home, there were always athletes at my house. That’s who I was comfortable with. I could talk sports with the best of them. Everyone saw me as one of the guys. The girl you could talk to about your feelings for some other girl. I wanted so desperately to break free of that image and have an athlete of my own.
Being surrounded by guys all the time forced me to be open about my feelings. I don’t hold back. Because of this, I gushed to my friends about how cute he was and how he made me drool when I ran into him at the gym late one night. When he acknowledged my presence by following me on social media, I was over the moon. Bragging to all my friends that a hot guy followed me. The thought that I needed to be on my best behavior and only post pictures of me where I look hot haunted me. I was so caught up in trying to be this girl that he would want that I lost sight of me. My friends pumped my ego by saying, “he obviously thinks you’re pretty” or “y’all would be so cute together.” Maybe he did think I was pretty, maybe not. I was on top of the world, thinking that any guy would want me. Like the saying goes, “anything that goes up, must come down”. Well that’s exactly what happened. Just when my ego was at its peak, everything came crumbling down.
A week or two after he followed me, he randomly unfollows me on every social media. I was devastated. I actually thought he liked me. Why? He never talked to me or gave me any indication that he was interested. I blame myself and my friends. Had I not had such a big ego then I would not have let myself think he really wanted me. Hearing my friends say over and over that he wanted me just fueled my fire. I started to believe it. In my mind, I thought he liked me and I liked him and it was only a matter of time before we would date.
So I’m lying in my bed the night that he unfollowed me and I realize I’m crying. Why am I crying? I don’t know the guy. I don’t know his favorite color or where he goes to let all his frustrations out. We were nothing, I was and still am just another girl on campus to him. I had no reason to cry or feel anything but indifference towards him.
So to get over him, I told myself over and over again that I was stupid and should not have these feelings. I was treating the situation like we had been dating and just broken up. I’m talking, my roommates brought me ice cream and tried to cheer me up. When I saw him on campus I acted like I was not affected by him or like I hadn’t spent the previous night’s gushing to my friends about our future life together. I treated him like I would any other guy on campus. I kept telling myself that I didn’t need to chase after him because the guy worth having would chase after me. But I didn’t believe myself.
I can’t explain the want to have someone you don’t know. It was like I felt a connection, or wanted to feel a connection so bad that I convinced myself there was something there when there wasn’t. I just knew in my heart that we would be perfect for each other. This experience taught me to most importantly love myself before loving others. I don’t need to mold myself into someone for a guy to love. One day the right guy will come along and love me for me and I won’t need to change a thing.