Tale Of An Abortion

I am not squeamish about charging up to the check-out-counter and unabashedly slapping down a fist full of condoms. Never has it occurred to me to pad my purchase with candy bars and/ or toilet deodorizer in order to mask the fact that, yes, I soon will be having sex.  In fact, I pride myself in allowing all sorts of stereotypically ‘embarrassing stuff’ – feminine hygiene wipes, ex-lax, wart remover, and the like, to slide down the belt unaccompanied by benign bodyguards. I am fearless. 

This past January, however, forced a change in my checkout brazenness. I needed a pregnancy test. In fact, over the course of a single evening, my relentless denial-logged ass required six pregnancy tests. And with each subsequent, panicked, trip to the store, my backseat filled with mountains upon mountains of superfluous crap, all haphazardly snatched, in order to sandwich one little box. I still have piles of uneaten Doritos lying around.

Flash to the night previous: studying my naked form in the bathroom mirror, I stare in horror at two grotesquely swollen and aching breasts.  When did that happen? My lower back creaks and throbs. I can smell the falafel truck 6 blocks away. No period. Fuck. Turning away from my ballooned bosoms, I sidestep lurking hallway roommates, barrel into my adjacent bedroom, and proceed to attack my laptop. Abandoning the Samuel fucking Beckett PowerPoint presentation due in class the next day, I spend the night frantically Googling early pregnancy.

24 hours later. Once again, locked in the bathroom, and up to no good, I squat over porcelain and pee on the stick. I wait. There is a moment, a moment right after the second little line, that your heart ceases to beat and your stomach jams itself into your throat and everything gets really heavy. I remember sinking, sinking, sinking, until I hit tile. And then crying out—at god, at myself, at the little unknown inside of me “I Am Not Ready!!!!!” Repeat x 5.

I love babies. I love their little feet and their little soft chubby wrists. I love making babies smile and I love rocking them to sleep. I want to work as a nurse someday so that I can save babies. I want to have babies of my own—lots and lots of them. Motherhood is the overarching goal of my life. But not now – now I am 22. I drink too much and I smoke too much and I have Frieda Kalo calendar paintings strategically plastered on my dorm room walls. I get regrettable tattoos and have questionable one-night stands. I spend hours proselytizing on why Batman is not a goddamn superhero. I am not ready to be a mom. My uterus, however, didn’t get the memo, because this past January, despite fistfuls of condoms and the best of intentions, I found myself kissing tile and more afraid then I have ever been. Eventually, I rose to my feet and faced down the clock.

When you are pregnant and unsure if that is a good thing, time is your enemy. Every minute which passes means greater growth and therefore greater possible destruction. I remember reading a Borges short story once in which a man is sentenced to death. He is an aspiring novelist and on the eve of his execution he prays for time to finish his novel. The next morning facing down the firing squad, a miracle occurs. The bullets catch in midair, eyes do not blink. The world is crystallized. The man, suspended, completes the novel in his mind – struck dead and at peace a year later with the placing of a period at the end of the final sentence. This, too, would have been my wish – time; an eternity to sit quietly and weigh my choice.

I had one week. I used that week to sob to my mother and my sister and my best friend. I watched a tiny girl in a pink rain jacket tie her shoes. I researched and made epic pro/con lists. I had terrible beautiful dreams. I spent time in my boyfriend’s dank Brooklyn apartment, scrutinizing the space for baby potential. Who is this useless overgrown child I have been sleeping with? Why does he insist on watching back-to-back episodes of hoarders while we are going through crisis? This apartment looks like an episode of hoarders. He is not ready. I am not ready. I remember hyperventilating as I manically scrubbed down his black and putrid sink with a clod of steel wool. I felt boxed in and paralyzed. The world looked different.

Ultimately, I found myself sitting rigidly in a sunny Planned Parenthood center. “If you like Pina Coladas/ and getting caught in the rain…” drifted softly over from the headphones of the jittery young woman seated across from me. It was an icy blue day and miraculously I had scrounged up the 650.00 dollars needed for my medication abortion.

Draped in a white gown, legs spread; I watched my 7–week-old blip on the sonogram – just a hopelessly minute little bump of infinite potential. As the doctor placed the pill in my palm and bid me swallow I noticed that the package had been torn; 3/5 pills were missing. Who were the other women? Did they sink, sink, sink as they let the chalky white sit on their tongue for just a moment? It felt a lot like when I had swallowed all that aspirin 4 years back. It felt hopeless.

The next day I bled and the day after that I started in on the path towards accepting my choice. Time has passed and no longer do the smells of the world conspire against me. I can walk down the street without bursting into tears when a child totters by. I am healing. I am empty. I will never forget my little blip; the light given back to the universe, which I hope can find its way home to me someday.  Someday, when I am ready. TC mark

image – Inferis

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  • http://green.dreamwidth.org/ greenie

    so much heart in this. thank you.

  • Lindsay

    I've never read such a poignant account of abortion from someone before. Your story makes my heart ache a little. If that soul is meant for you then s/he will come back to you some day, when you're ready…

    • Siouxsie

      This broke my heart, too.  : I have a daughter, she's 7 now and I gave birth to her when I was 20. I thought of abortion then but can not push through with it, a decision which I never regretted it. 

      I sincerely hope,  Sadie, that you also never regret yours. I admire you for writing so bravely about such an unpopular issue.

  • Meghan

    I don't agree with your choice, but this was beautifully written and it was brave of you to write it.

  • http://sarahspy.tumblr.com sarahspy

    Great piece, bravely well written. Thanks for putting it out there.

  • Ameltoid

    You did a wonderful job writing about such an emotionally-charged subject. To me, you managed to capture that feeling one gets when confronted with such an intense situation – that weird back and forth between the simple details of reality and the chaos going on internally.

  • Aelya

    I cried

  • Kay332

    I agree with your choice. It's not only a brave sacrifice, but it's a responsible one. It sounds like you're planning your future carefully to ensure that you and those that you care for have a happy and secure existence. More power to you. I think everybody should give not only life, but the quality of it, more thought.

  • Teukros

    Pro-life or pro-choice, you need to ask yourself whether you're ever going to let this happen again.

    • Bourdillon

      It isn't as simple as that. Condoms (which she states in this article that they were using) are about 98% effective. The pill is usually about 99% effective but it can be as low as 95%. Everybody's body is different, and accidents do happen which are nobody's fault. It's very easy to sit behind a computer screen and judge somebody but if you'd ever been in this situation yourself you would never dream of doing so.

      • Teukros

        I have been in this situation, speaking of judgments.

        And I hate to be blunt, but it IS as simple as that.  Stories like this come up because people see the statistics you cite and decide that ninety-eight, ninety-nine, and ninety-five equal one hundred.

        The question now is whether the author will keep engaging in the same behavior, knowing now from experience that even said precautions can and do fail.  Considering how horrible the abortion was, is she going to maintain a set of circumstances that could result in her having to go through it again?

      • sophisticatedboomboom

        so you're a “no sex till it's baby-making time” kinda folk? i'm just wondering if you're suggesting abstinence. no judgement, just curious.

      • Teukros

        Interesting way of prefacing “no judgement.”

        People can enjoy sex in myriad ways that don't make babies (each with its own risks to weigh, but none as grave as pregnancy, I'd argue).  If you can't handle a baby, best to avoid the particular act that makes babies.  Anything else is roulette.

      • lg

        sooo… you would tell a woman who never wants to have kids to never have sex? you're smart :)

      • Teukros

        Short of tube-tying or some other one-hundred-percent effective method I've not heard of, yes.  And I'd say the same thing to a man.

      • Ella

        PS tube-tying is not 100% effective, and IUDs are as effective as the procedure. IUDs for everyone!

        Seriously ladies, look into it, they're amazing.

      • Teukros

        Acknowledged.  When it's all said and done, nothing's 100% effective but abstinence — and I guess staying away from questionable swimming pools and toilet seats?  Juuuust kidding.

      • Gia Lori

        didnt you say before that you weren't telling ppl what to do??
        this is an example of telling ppl what to do. 

        ps: getting ur tubes tied comes with RISK, the same small amount of risk of getting prego while on the pill. ur playing “russian roulette” with both practices. lets not be a hypocrite anymore k?? :)

      • Teukros

        Indulging your hypothetical is not the same as telling people what to do.

        You and Ella below are right that sterilization is not one hundred percent effective, either — I said as much above, after I remembered, and I wish (as I often do!) that I could edit my post that suggested otherwise.  On the other hand, you don't seem to know what a hypocrite actually is.

        You read like a condescending pain in the ass.  I'm not going to bother with your smiley posts anymore k??

      • Anon

        Yes, but in this situation you put yourself in risk, which is your decision. You do not put another human being at risk.

      • Anon

        Very smart, indeed! You take the risk. You need to take responsibility with that.

      • sophisticatedboomboom

        interesting because it was a genuine question that honestly lacked judgement about your belief and is the definition of abstinence, or interesting because you left a comment that started a flood of responses opposing yours and you just assumed i was being an asshole? no judgement, just curious.

      • Teukros

        The phrasing — “'no sex till it's baby-making time' kinda folk” calls up a healthy dose of sarcasm and disdain, which makes the “no judgement” part come off as a “no offense, but…”-type situation.

        But of course that's only my perception, and I'll take your word for it if that's not how you intended it to come off.

      • Bourdillon

        I'm very surprised to hear that, but I suppose you had a different experience than me and the writer of this article. Fair enough.

        Nonetheless, it still is not your place to pontificate in this manner. She knows what is best for her life. You don't know all the facts of the matter and I'm sure she doesn't need your input. Not everyone will find it at all necessary to give up sex. Not everyone will find it at all helpful to give up sex. And I can guarantee that not everyone either needs or wants you to tell them how to live their life.

        I'm sorry that you have experienced this situation too. It's horrible. Believe me, I know. But living through it does not give you the authority to tell other people how to deal with it.

      • Teukros

        My first comment was pithy and open-ended.  I don't understand how you can respond to me with a long post laden with statistics and invective and then accuse me of pontificating when I respond to you.

        Anyway, I have the privilege to comment,
        same as you, unless and until the staff here sees fit to ban one of us.  I'd dredge up the adage about “if you can't stand the heat,” but the author has demonstrated by submitting this piece that she CAN stand the heat.  You, on the other hand, see fit to shut down opinions that don't reinforce yours.

        Finally, when it comes to having babies, giving up sex will ALWAYS be helpful.  And for a zero-percent chance of having babies, giving up sex will ALWAYS be necessary.

      • Bourdillon

        There was indeed much pith in your first comment. However, we're not having a brevity competition and it is the content of it, not the form, that I take issue with.

        You do have the privilege to comment and I have the privilege to reply. I have the privilege also to invoke statistics. I find it rather odd that you're now accusing me of being unable to “stand the heat” when your entire comment here is sipmly you whining about my “trying to shut down opinions that don't reinforce” my own. I leave it up to the fairness of other readers to determine whether that is what I am doing. You earlier complained that I was judging you, so just to make this clear: I am judging you for having the temerity to post such a condescending, judgmental comment. If we must compare the two, then bear in mind that one of these actions is a judgment on someone for how they're treating other people and the other is a judgment on someone for the way they live their life. I did not mean to tell you to shut up and stop posting – I made an effort not to give off this impression because it's not what I want – but at the same time I feel no compunction about why I found your behaviour unconscionable.

        You completely missed the point about giving up sex not always being helpful and not always being useful. If you've lived through this experience then I'm sure you'll be aware that this is not a mechanical issue; abstinence does prevent people from getting pregnant, obviously. But if your reaction to that is to give up sex, or to tell others to do the same, then you're suggesting that people give up an enormous part of the human experience. You're stating an absolute solution to a very complex, very personal issue. You're not just being “blunt”, you're being myopic. My experience with abortion has not made me give up sex, I don't feel it is necessary and I don't feel it would be useful. As a matter of fact, it is one of the things I enjoy the most in this world. For me, and for many people like me (I would go so far as to guess that for most people) giving up sex altogether would be actually harmful. Luckily, I'm a grown up so I'm able to face the difficulties in my life without amputating great swathes of my experience.

        I guess I'm losing the brevity competition, but hells – that's my privilege.

      • Teukros

        Regarding pith, I was taking issue with your accusation that I was pontificating.  I wasn't.

        “Nonetheless, it still is not your place to pontificate in this manner.”  “And I can guarantee that not everyone either needs or wants you to tell
        them how to live their life.”  “But living through it does not give you the authority to tell other
        people how to deal with it.”

        All three are longer ways of saying “shut up.”  And keep in mind that I never told anyone how to live her life.  I also haven't told anyone to give up sex.  (The closest I came is in the thread below this one, which has a pretty big IF attached to it.)

        You've got a lot of “I feel” in your penultimate paragraph.  You at least acknowledge that the hard facts I've put out are true.  Whether you like them or not is a different matter, but regardless, they are the only way to prevent this horrible situation from happening again.

      • inflammatorywrit

        If you really never intended to suggest that people should give up sex, can you explain your original statement? I think that's where the confusion arose from.
        Here, for your convenience: “Pro-life or pro-choice, you need to ask yourself whether you're ever going to let this happen again.”

      • Teukros

        My own personal views notwithstanding, it was never my intention to push abstinence on this author or anyone else.  My point was (and is) that if this experience was truly as horrible as the author portrays it — and it is — then it's best that the author take steps to make sure she never has to relive it.

        (For the record, abstinence from vaginal intercourse is the best possible step to take for the express purpose of not getting pregnant, as I said above.  Sterilization is probably next-best, though I've heard of vasectomies/tubal ligations failing to prevent pregnancies.)

      • inflammatorywrit

        Did you know that most doctors won't even perform tubal ligations on women unless they are of a certain age and/or have already had children?

      • Teukros

        I think I've heard that before.  It doesn't surprise me.

      • inflammatorywrit

        It doesn't surprise me, either, but I find it completely shocking and disgusting. What choices are women actually allowed to make about their bodies and their lives? It appears the only non-controversial and available option women have is to completely abstain from sex. 

        This honestly wasn't directed at you. I don't know from your comment if you agree with this practice, it was just necessary that I get this comment off my chest in order not to spontaneously combust.

      • SamSigelakisMinski

        Did you not read that the author wants to be a mother eventually? Pretty sure sterilizing herself or getting her tubes tied will make that impossible…

      • Teukros

        So we get to kill kids until we decide that we want them.  A blip of infinite potential?  Hell, snuff that right out until it's convenient for you.  That's what you're saying.

      • inflammatorywrit

        I seriously doubt she's planning on using abortion instead of condoms, if that's what you're suggesting.

      • Teukros

        I'm taking this to its logical conclusion, since it's provided for that the condoms/birth control/whatever “being careful” means now didn't work.  Since (in this hypothetical) she's unwilling to sterilize herself because she wants to be a mother someday, but she acknowledges that she's not ready to be a mother NOW — well, you've either got abstinence, which is 100% effective, or just hope for the best and relive this abortion scenario if/when it comes up again.  Anyone who chooses the latter is either not sufficiently sincere on how horrible the situation was or else just hopelessly in denial about the facts of life.

      • inflammatorywrit

        Don't forget in your hypothetical situation, she probably wouldn't even be allowed to get a tubal ligation, since she's still in her early 20s and doesn't already have children. So that's not even an option.

        “Just hope for the best?” That's ridiculous. Sure, using condoms or BC pills is not 100% effective, but she is using them. It's not as though her partner is wrapped in Saran Wrap and they're crossing their fingers as he ejaculates. 

        I would also guess, since the author seemed really responsible to me (I guess this is where we'll disagree, since you seem to think the only way to be responsible is to wear a chastity belt), she'll probably start using two different types of birth control in order to avoid a future abortion.

        And let's talk about some facts of life. 1. Sex is natural, and healthy, and awesome. 2. You don't get pregnant automatically from having sex and there are ways to prevent it. 3 You don't get to tell people how to live their lives (this isn't even about your stance on abortion so much as your Victorian attitude about sex).

      • Teukros

        Come on, now.  This is hardly fair.

        “It's not as though her partner is wrapped in Saran Wrap…” and “chastity belt,” and even “Victorian attitude” are three straw men only loosely based on what I said.  If you want to argue against your own custom-made caricatures, you don't need me here.

        1. You're right, but children resulting from sex is also natural.  Moreover, sex is meant to produce offspring.  I may enjoy eating, but the evolutionary purpose of eating is not for my enjoyment.  (If anything, the enjoyment of the act is a way to entice us to survive/propagate our species.)

        2. See 1.  Again, two different types of birth control (or ten thousand) don't eliminate the chances of an unwanted pregnancy.  Abstinence does.  Every time I say this, you and others dredge up straw men and talk about how like stupid abstinence is.  But again, people don't have a right to sex.  And I'll indulge my own straw man to illustrate what I'm talking about: you must be railing against abstinence because you're too weak, pathetic, and self-indulgent to control your own urges.

        3. See ages ago, when I clarified that I'm not telling anyone how to live her life.  (And even if I were, guess what: I DO get to tell people pretty much
        whatever I want, especially on an internet forum.)  It's not my life goal, in fact, to change the mind of just one pro-abortion person.  Get off your high
        horse.

      • Bourdillon

        I shouldn't have brought up strawmen, they're clearly your new favourite plaything…

      • inflammatorywrit

        LOL.

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_I2ZYQQU7ICMHAWBKGSUJTOURUM Nobody Special

        LOL – thats right there's nothing else you can say, since that person just totally won the argument. (=

      • inflammatorywrit

        Can you read? He didn't even respond to anything I said.

      • ugh

        god you are so stupid please just stop commenting

      • inflammatorywrit

        Abstinence isn't stupid. If you want to practice abstinence, that's great. Congratulations to you. What is stupid is acting as though it something that everyone else wants to-or even can- practice. Different strokes for different folks, you know. And people don't have a right to sex? What does that even mean? I feel like sex, and the other things I do with my adult body in the privacy of my own apartment, are the only rights I have left. If you want to get technical, we don't have the rights to do much- like own a computer, for example. I don't see that in the Bill of Rights, do you? Yet we both clearly do. I just don't understand the point of you saying sex isn't a right. 
        To me, it seems like you just don't like sex. I'm not even trying to be funny, or bitchy. I think we all understand that having sex can potentially create a baby, but you think even if she's using 10000 types of birth control, she's still being irresponsible? Seriously? I'm curious about what you think of guns. Just as sex always has the potential to create a baby-even if you take steps to avoid it-, guns always have the potential to kill people-even if you keep it locked up, bullets separate, etc. And you really are telling people what to do. That's all you've been doing, constantly saying she's irresponsible for not being abstinent. I just really don't understand why you keep saying this. Yes, abstinence is the only way you can 100% not get pregnant- unless you're raped, of course- but it is not a reasonable thing to force on people. That's why abstinence only education just doesn't work. 

        We clearly have a different sense of humor, and that's fine. I thought including the bit about German at the end would clue readers in that I was joking. Oh, well. And, yet once again, don't tell me what to do. I'll get off my horse when I'm good and ready, thanks.

      • Bourdillon

        The facts are true. They're also facile, shortsighted, and completely irrelevant to most people's lives. If you don't want people to disagree with you, you shouldn't post comments. That's also a fact, but it doesn't mean much to our situation, does it?

      • Teukros

        Do you have a reading comprehension problem?  Where did I ever say that I don't want people to disagree with me?  Do you think it's all right to act like an utter filth-spewing bitch to people you don't know just because you're “passionate” about this issue (or whatever)?

        Get a grip.  “Human nature,” my ass — like people are animals who can't help themselves.  Life doesn't start and stop at your convenience — but your unborn kid's life certainly will, won't it?

      • Bourdillon

        You didn't say explicitly that you don't want anyone to disagree with you, but you've dedicated most of every reply you've made to me with whining about how I'm trying to “shut you down” or trying to “shut (you) up”. It's kind of silly. And now I'm a “filth-spewing bitch” for replying to you? I'm sorry I'm not pretending that I don't find your comments rude and obnoxious, but – as you yourself said – if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the fucking kitchen.

        I'd also like to state, for the record, that I made every effort to be accomodating to you until you commenced the aforementioned whining.

        I didn't mention “human nature” so I don't know where that little outburst came from. If you want to debate when life begins you'll find plenty of people to discuss it with, but I'm not going to play that little game with you. I don't enjoy that kind of masturbation. And if you want to suggest that abortion is ever a simple matter of convenience then I suggest you keep that one entirely to yourself. I'm really, honestly sorry to say this but to say something like that makes it incredibly difficult for me to believe that you have actually lived through the experience of abortion or the loss of a child. I'm really sorry to say that, but it's true.

        I don't need to 'get a grip'; this issue has a grip on me that will never be loosened. But what I do have a grip on is decorum, which is why I would never, bloody ever be as rude to someone who has been through abortion as you consistently are. Nor would I ever, ever attempt to tell people who have been through it how they should conduct their private lives. For everyone's sake, mate, please take a step back and think about your behaviour. Regardless of your views, to behave as you are is mere petulance. They are relevant to life only in the sense that they bring to mind a certain Shakespearean soliloquy on the subject, which I will spare us the embarrassment of quoting here. Good night and good luck.

      • Teukros

        “You didn't say explicitly that you don't want anyone to disagree with you”–and you're done.  Maybe this is projection, or maybe you really do have a reading comprehension problem.  I don't know.

        What I do know is that you're crusading up and down this comments section and swearing at everyone who posts an opinion contrary to yours.  To hear you lecturing now about decorum and petulance is hilarious.

        Again, get a grip.  Your self-righteous emotional reaction to this issue is clouding your capacity to behave.

      • Bourdillon

        Hmm, no, you're wrong. Swearing has nothing to do with this, at all. You're changing the subject. You've told me I have a “reading comprehension problem” – twice – yet you're refusing to engage with anything I say. In fact, you say so in the first sentence of this comment. Pot kettle black, shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits*.

        Accusing me of crusading doesn't make my opinion invalid. And since it is my opinion of your behaviour, self-righteousness is a strawman (at best). Again, you're changing the subject and refusing to deal with the issue at hand. And funnily enough, the issue at hand isn't even abortion anymore. It's about you being rude, judgmental and indeed, self-righteous, but then getting shirty when someone calls you out on it (without simultaneously licking your arse). Your point seems to be that it's impolite to tell someone they're being impolite.

        You're right, I am emotional about abortion. I can't help but be. But the reason I wrote to you, and to the other two people I've written to, was that your reaction was insensible and crude. It wasn't my sensitivity that made me respond to you, in was your insensitivity. I will admit that I'm emotional about people who think they know about a serious subject they haven't experienced who think that their half-assed opinions are worthy of respect also.

        If you're going to reply, please make it relevant to my comment this time. If not, then I invite you to start with the following:

        “”Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits*” – I pussied out of actually engaging with you, so I just complained about the swearing instead.”

        *these seven words appear courtesy of George Carlin.

      • Teukros

        Rude comments deserve rude responses.  I refuse to expend any more energy on your reading comprehension problem.  (There, that's three.)

      • Bourdillon

        You're right, rude comments do deserve rude responses. So it was very nice of me to answer your rude comment politely, wasn't it? I'm glad you've gone from repeating what you've said to repeating what I've said, even if it's devoid of any logical context and as shallow and empty as everything else you've said. I'll take this, and the democratic love of our brethren, as I sign that I was right about you all along. Adieu, mon ami.

      • Angela

        Abortion also gives you a zero percent chance of having a baby.

      • Teukros

        Tell that to the babies who have survived abortion attempts, smart-ass.

      • Bourdillon

        Boo fuckity hoo.

      • Teukros

        You're running on empty, babe.  Take a break.

      • Bourdillon

        Silly comments garner silly responses. I'm not running on empty, I just refuse to expend energy replying serious to flippant buffoonery.

      • Angela

        Tell it to the Virgin Mary….no sex can equal a baby.

      • Teukros

        …Right, okay.  Well done.

      • inflammatorywrit

        Who, Charlie Kelly?

      • Teukros

        Look, I'm not going to do your research for you.  Look it up on Google.  “Babies who survive abortion.”  It's easy.

      • inflammatorywrit

        That was a joke. 

        You so clearly need to get laid. Use protection!

      • SamSigelakisMinski

        I am not sure what you are getting at. Are you saying she should stop having sex altogether? To be blunt, that is stupid. People have sex; it is human nature, and a pleasure. She did what she could to prevent this pregnancy, and it is as simple as that. Maybe now she'll take birth control as well, or maybe she will choose her sexual partners more carefully. However, I don't think these are the things you meant.

      • Teukros

        People are just animals who can't help themselves, right?  That's a really great way to shirk responsibility.

      • inflammatorywrit

        Why do you hate sex so much?

      • SamSigelakisMinski

        Actually, closer to my argument is that sex is natural, and not supposed to be a bad thing. It is enjoyable and in most cases, generally healthy. There are ways to have sex without harmful effects. i agree with the guy below me; why do you hate sex so much?

  • Katielin81

    this mad me sad and took a lot of courage to share

  • http://www.i-mami.com theresa

    beautiful piece. thank you so much for sharing it.

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Brave :-)

  • anon

    I wasn't ready, either.  Someday maybe I will be… for now I think I did the right thing, but man am I glad you wrote this article to help me think about it, tenderly, compassionately, sincerely.

  • Guest

    This was really good.  You are very brave.

  • Duke Holland of Gishmale

    YOU ARE SO RIGHT! Batman is not a superhero! He doesn't have any super powers. He's just a regular, every-day, multi-billionaire dude in extreme physical shape. Theoretically he can exist without any genetic mutations, alien help/excuses, or advances in technology. He could be real. Loved this article.

    • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

      Guy has saved more lives than anyone you know.

      • shamebridge

        I actually think Batman is a much better character if you don't think of him as a superhero. Superheroes are heroes because of their superpowers – if Superman didn't have his powers then he wouldn't be Superman at all. But Batman chooses to be a hero and subsequently has to overcome all these not-superhuman foibles and his lack of powers in order to save lives. That makes him much more interesting as a comic book character. 

        I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS WAY TOO MUCH.

  • Customconcern

    Amazing. This was almost as brutal as 'Play It As It Lays'.

    Well done.

  • sophisticatedboomboom

    this is such a fabulous article, and i like it so much i don't really know what to say.. except this REALLY is what it feels like. at least it did for me.
    you did a great job capturing that heartbreaking instant when your current, incomplete and most definitely unready self meets something your future, wiser and far more organized self might be ready for…and might actually want. i'm happy you are so self-aware (“i spend hours proselytizing on why Batman is not a goddamn super hero. i am not ready to be a mom”) strong and willing to share this with us. the entire piece is intimate but relatable (doubly so for me) and i hope more women want to open up to talk about their experience, whether they're grieving or relieved. it helped me to share. thanks.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dotQureshi Sohaib Qureshi

    Gosh! Feels like its been written with blood… Love it!

  • Fox

    At first I said to myself, Oh boy, heres another abortion story that makes it justifiable and sheik in this “Avant-Garde” America. Instead I was surprised. Not the unending misery that ensues in pro-life propaganda scenarios, and neither the youthful “no big deal” propaganda of the pro-choice side. It made me angry and it made me sad. First angry at the abortion, and then, stepping back and thinking about it, angry at the world that facilitates one to make such a choice. Very well written.

    • unbelievable

      You'll never have to deal with this. STFU.

      • No

        This is what ignorance looks like.

    • ANON

      Thank you for this comment. That is all I have to say.

  • ae

    What an amazing story. You're a phenomenal writer

  • Saturn92103

    This was incredbily powerful to read.

  • Malaizear

    This article is brimming with emotions! Brave and real. I wish you peace of mind.

  • es

    i became pregnant this year too. this is just what it felt like. i wish my dorm bathroom had tiles, everything was this weird plastic. i felt like the knot in my stomach would never go away. thank you for this, it helps to read that it wasn't just me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Batman is a super hero you fucking moron.

    • Crice8

      was there really a need for that ?

      • Tagline

        His super hero-ness is debatable given the fact that he does not have super powers.  But even so, I agree with CRICE8 – was there really a need for that?

      • Duke Holland of Gishmale

        Is there a need for that? IS THERE A NEED FOR THAT?! OF COURSE THERE'S A NEED FOR THIS! BATMAN IS NOT A SUPERHERO! YOU LEAVE!

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        FUCK you bro, FUCK you.

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        Hahahah please tell me you took that seriously?

  • SewingSchatzi

    Thank you for writing this…that's all I can say.

  • NotAProLifeNut

    Brave? I think not. Brave would have been taking 9 months and nurturing her “little blip” and then give it to somebody that can't randomly get knocked up by a ” useless overgrown child”. I'm sure I'll get more flack for having posted this but you know what, I'm okay with that. She was not raped. She made a choice to have sex.  Sex makes babies. Duh.

    • inflammatorywrit

      Until you're in that situation, I don't think it's quite fair to dismiss her experiences with “Brave? I think not.” Just by reading a short article online, you aren't privy to the hell that probably went on inside of her while trying to make this decision. 

      Furthermore, I am getting really tired of people always throwing out putting a child up for adoption as a perfectly viable alternative to either keeping a baby or having an abortion. I don't think it's quite that simple; even besides the emotional and physical toll it would take (yeah, abortions do that, too, but in a completely different way), if someone isn't ready to raise a baby, they are probably not in a place where they can easily even give birth to a baby (I'm thinking primarily of the time away from school/work/both). 

      I totally agree that giving your child up for adoption is an incredibly brave act, and in an ideal world that would be possible (although, in my ideal world, you would be able to get pregnant only when you wanted to, and were ready).  I just think with questions of abortion, there is no easy answer, but there is also no simple solution. Things aren't as black and white as: don't have sex until you want a child; if you do, just give it up for adoption.

      • Gia Lori

        thank you for writing THIS. i really hope notaprolifenut sees this subject differently one day.

      • inflammatorywrit

        It is my life goal to change the mind of just one anti-choicer. I'd also like to become fluent in German.

    • Amanda

      Until you've grown a human being inside you for nine months and then gone through a huge medical procedure for the sake of growing someone elses family, shut the fuck up. Sex makes genetic material, not babies.

    • Lola

      Not “pro-life” my ass. More like anti-choice. Do you realize exactly the reality of what we would have to face if every single “useless overgrown child” went through term with a fetus to give up for adoption? Oh, and I forgot, men don't make the choice to have sex, they just can't help it. Women should just hang on to their chastity belts and wait til marriage and then preside as the morality-keeper of their household. Ignorant fuck. And fuck the six people who “liked” your comment. I thought this was a forum that encouraged thoughtful comments, not shitting your brains out onto the internet.

      • notaprolifenut

        Its funny that when I read this article and decided I wanted to comment I wanted to be like “you greedy, selfish, baby killing fucktards” or something to that effect, but I thought hey what does name calling accomplish. I could go on about how I'm not anti choice and how people should take responsibility for their actions but that is well beyond what you want to hear.:)

      • inflammatorywrit

        In my opinion, using birth control (like the author was doing) is responsible. As is making tons of pro/con lists and evaluating not only her situation in life, but the environment into which a baby would be born. To me, it seems extremely responsible to do everything you can to prevent pregnancy (besides remaining abstinent, which is just an unreasonable and laughable request to make of healthy, mature adults), evaluate the situation (in this instance: she acknowledges that she feels she is too young/irresponsible/unprepared-physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, etc- to raise a child in the manner in which they all deserve to be raised), and then make a decision based on that. 

        Even if you disagree with her decision, 1. she was being hella responsible, in my opinion, and 2. it really doesn't matter. You don't get to have a say in someone else's personal life unless you plan to be there throughout it. Were you planning on babysitting for her? Helping with food and clothes? Maybe holding her hand at the hospital? Doubt it.

        And lastly, why can't people's energies and time and resources be spent on babies that have already been born? You know the ones: the starving, the abused, the neglected.

    • slutidarity

      Oh yeah, because carrying a child to term isn't stressful at all. You can't just get knocked up and let it stew for nine months – you need specialised healthcare and nutrition, you need to factor in the costs of delivering in a hospital that can offer you (and your baby) the best care. It's not just her deciding her lifestyle is 'incompatible' with pregnancy.

    • Mina

      Adoption is an alternative to raising a child, not an alternative to pregnancy.  It hardly seems reasonable to compare the two.

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