1. Having to look perfect all the time
Now there’s no one to impress or fear spontaneously turning up on your doorstep, allowing your Voldemort side to roam free is of no risk! For the times you don’t have to worry about looking pristine for work or going out with your friends, you can simply go home, throw on your trackie bottoms and just relax in front of the TV, gorging on a bar of Galaxy chocolate without the fear anyone will see you looking your fugliest. Ahh, bliss!
2. Hiding awkward blemishes
Wearing a winter scarf in May – really? You try to convince your mates it’s a fashion statement, but they know better. They know what lurks underneath that silky scarf is really a lie. A big, fat, love-bite-ridden lie. Another thing that seems like a good idea at the time. Sure, suck my neck, scratch my back – I am your plaything! But in hindsight, you realized that you’re not 14 years old and that you really should’ve known better. Thank God you’re a lone wolf now. At least you can now hold your head (and your neck) high and reserve your makeup for your face and your clothes for the right seasons.
3. Cleaning embarrassing stains off the bedding
Those ultraviolet lights terrify me because if they saw what atrocities had tattooed themselves to hotel bed sheets, then fuck knows what they’d see on yours. But sometimes you don’t even need a blacklight to showcase this humiliation. Waking up in the morning with a wet patch on your side has got to be one of the biggest eye-openers, and it’s not a pleasant realization. Not only are you aware of the grimness that’s now sitting on your skin, but you’re also very aware that a boil wash is at the top of today’s agenda. Being single means that type of unwanted occurrence is far less likely and you can now spend a lot more time doing fun things, rather than washing gross stains off the bed.
4. Having to share the bed
Speaking of the bed, screw sharing it with anyone! This bed ain’t big enough for the both of us, duvet-hogger. Nights of cold legs and being on the precipice of your mattress are now a thing of the past! This has got to be one of the biggest and best bonuses to singledom, because you can now take up all the space you like without having to accommodate anybody else. So spread out like a starfish or curl yourself up like a cinnamon bun – the choice is yours! And only yours.
5. Twilight penis prodding
Whoa, what’s that in my back? Oh, jeez… Yup, you know this one of old. Spooning seems like such a cute idea on paper, but when you wake up to the feeling of a dick poking your spine like a woodpecker at 3 a.m., it doesn’t seem so sweet anymore. Praise the Lord, you no longer have to experience that nightly activity either! A good night’s sleep is now on the menu all night, every night.
6. Picking up their dirty undies
Walking through a minefield of boxers in the bathroom is not only a trip hazard, but it’s also a crazy mystery only ever encountered in a relationship. Because, for some reason, these items of clothes somehow always manage to wander out of the laundry basket and make a break for freedom. It’s like watching Chicken Run but with y-fronts. The only difference is that the briefs aren’t alive and their floor-chilling is totally down to your partner’s bizarre inability to hold onto clobber long enough for them to be put in their rightful place. But no more! The rooms that were once covered in the debris from a pants explosion are now clean and fresh, and there’s no more fear you’ll fall on your butt when you make a midnight toilet trip. Huzzah!
7. Putting down the toilet seat
How many times have you caught the cat swimming in the u-bend just because your partner has left the toilet seat up again? It’s honestly not that hard. Leave it as you find it – that’s my motto, and it applies to anyone’s house I go into, relationship or not. Now, it may not have been a big deal at the time, but after a while, closing the damn thing over and over is just a nuisance. Thankfully though, now that you’re a single pringle, the toilet seat remains firmly closed and your pets are no longer venturing to the bathroom to take a leisurely dip. Phew!
8. Walking like a cowboy for two days after sex
Ay, caramba, why did we have to re-enact that scene from 50 Shades last night? It seemed like such a sexy idea at the time, but now you’re walking through the office like Pingu dropped on a drainpipe, the idea has swiftly moved to one of regret. Your privates are sore, your workmates are laughing at you, and every time you sit down it’s as though you’re perching on a pike. So while you may not be able to roleplay your way through the Kama Sutra book so regularly now that you’re single, at least you can walk!