He Stopped Chasing Me, Why? And What Now?

Here is what to do when he stops chasing you…

So the guy you’ve been seeing suddenly isn’t chasing you anymore… he seems less interested… you don’t feel like a priority… and you’re panicking and don’t know what’s going on or how to get it all back on track. 

I totally understand the feelings of panic and insecurity that come rushing through in this scenario. And I want you to take a big deep breath and just relax because no man is worth working yourself into a tizzy over and this is also very fixable. 

It’s an inevitable part of a relationship and how you handle it has more to do with you, not him.  

A woman who is confident and high value will not be alarmed when a man is no longer chasing her because she knows she is worthy of love and she is lovable. She doesn’t see this pullback as meaning anything about her because she doesn’t base her self-worth on how he treats her and responds to her.

A woman with weak self-esteem will fall to pieces when a guy isn’t chasing her. She’ll obsess over it, she’ll worry about it, and then the dynamic is totally off and problems will emerge even though there was nothing wrong in the first place. 

Why Will a Man Stop Chasing?

In a nutshell, the chase has to end at some point! 

The “chase” or the pursuit is an important component of courtship but it’s means to an end, eventually, it has to lead to something, ideally a committed relationship. And there isn’t as much of a need to chase when it reaches that level. 

Also, a man will only chase you in proportion to how out of reach you are. Fishing wouldn’t be a sport if the fish swam up to the surface and said here I am!

If he’s caught you, if you’re there, if you’ve been won, if you have given yourself to him fully, then there really isn’t much of a need to chase. 

In the beginning, his competitive drive is activated, he’s trying to win you over. And the way he behaves isn’t always an indicator of how much he likes you because he doesn’t really know you yet. In the beginning, he’s really trying to get you to like him – and yes of course he also has a baseline level of interest in you, but he’s much more motivated to win you over. 

A lot of women notice that once they reciprocate this level of interest, he seems less enthusiastic. They may interpret this to mean he’s losing interest (usually those with low self-esteem will see it that way), but really, he’s just settling into a more sustainable routine because chasing and pursuing you at that level isn’t realistic. And it’s a good thing when you reach that place! 

So let’s talk about what to do when this happens so you don’t mess everything up…

What To Do

1. Relax.

When a man stops chasing, just relax.  You have to be calm about it. Nothing good comes from being in a panicked, frenzied state of mind. 

Here is a good exercise to try. So you’re having all these obsessive, spiraling thoughts. Stop and just notice the thought for a minute. Maybe you’re thinking, “I can’t believe he’s losing interest in me, what did I do? How do I fix this?” 

Now ask yourself: Does this thought serve me well? Does this take me where I want to go? 

And the answer is going to be no! Thoughts like this activate your fears and insecurities. They make you anxious and on edge, just waiting for the other shoe to stop. No good comes from panicking or solving problems before they are problems to solve so stop engaging with those worried thoughts. 

Redirect your mind onto something else or just tell yourself the opposite. If you’re stressing about him losing interest, tell yourself: I am worthy and valuable and I will find the right person for me.

Thoughts are powerful forces and shape our reality, so stop giving so much power to the bad ones!

2. Don’t try to win him over.

Trying to win him over will just have the opposite effect, it will just make you come across as desperate and needy. 

Stop plotting and strategizing and trying to be a certain way in order to get him to be a certain way. This is exhausting and it will pummel your self-esteem. The best part about being in a relationship is you can just be. You can be your authentic self, you don’t stress or worry and play detective. 

If you feel like you have to work that hard to get someone’s attention, then they’re not the right person for you. 

3. Give him the space to pursue you. 

Look, you can show interest in a guy, that’s not a bad thing. Somehow women are terrified of showing too much interest for fear they will scare a man away but if a guy really likes you … you showing interest in him will be a good thing! This isn’t going to work against you. 

So show interest… but then leave it alone and let him pursue you. If you do all the work, then you don’t leave any room for him to develop feelings for you. 

You don’t need to micromanage your love life. This is rooted in anxiety and in a lack of trust in yourself and in the fact that things will work out for you. Again, it’s important to notice your thoughts, notice your intentions, and where they are truly coming from. 

4. Don’t invest too soon. 

I don’t care if you think you’ve found your soulmate or twin flame or whatever, do not invest until he has shown he is invested in you. 

This means you keep yourself mentally open to the possibility of other guys and other outcomes. I see far too many women holding themselves hostage essentially in situations where a guy won’t prioritize her or commit in any real way…but she stays and keeps investing in him because she’s decided she loves him and he’s the one for her and her options are to either force this to work… or die alone. Now I hope you can see the foolery here, but it’s hard to see it when you’re in it. 

So make sure you and he are on the same page before you get in too deep. 

5. Watch your energy.

Your time and mental energy are valuable resources, stop squandering them! Stop obsessing and being desperate to hear from him. This is a scarcity mindset, this makes you essentially a beggar, wishing and hoping you can get your hands on any scraps he has to spare. 

When you obsess and analyze, you’re essentially saying: I don’t trust that things are going to work out for me so I’m going to keep questioning everything until I prove myself right. 

So change the mantra. When you catch yourself spiraling, just take a deep breath, put your hand on your heart and tell yourself: “I will be OK. I will get the love I want” And just sit with that. 

This is very different than desperately wishing and hoping he reciprocates your feelings. 

I also want to point out that if you are totally obsessed with this guy, it doesn’t always mean he’s your soulmate, It could be coming from an unhealthy place. It may not even be him that you want-  he’s fulfilling something within you. Maybe he’s really hot and the hot guys never wanted you in the past and you internalized this as meaning something about you and the fact that he wants you makes you worthy and you’re terrified of losing that. When we obsess over someone, it’s often because they represent something to us. So try to get to the heart of what that is. 

And the most important advice of all: you need to trust. Trust in yourself, trust in timing, trust in the universe, and trust that things will work out for you. Really feel it and believe it. 

Sabrina Bendory is a writer and entrepreneur. She is the author of You’re Overthinking It, a definitive book on dating and self-love.

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