When I started dating my husband, a funny thing started to happen. All of a sudden I started getting closure with all these guys from my past. We didn’t have closure talks, per se, but I just started seeing things more clearly. I would randomly run into a guy who ghosted me and suddenly realize he has a horribly unattractive personality, or a guy I liked who was on the fence about me would confess his love, or I would just see the truth about all these damage cases.
It was happening one after the next and I knew the grand finale in all of this would be Kevin. I knew closure was coming, even though I didn’t really need it at that point because I had created my own sense of closure.
It happened a few months after I started dating my husband. I was at a friend’s birthday party solo and I knew he’d be there. At one point, a small group of us were standing around talking and a guy friend asked: “Sabrina, where’s your boyfriend tonight?”
Kevin turned white. Then he immediately and angrily said, “I need to go get a drink” and stormed away.
I didn’t see him again until the end of the night and I knew this was my chance.
I went up to him and said, “I need to talk to you.”
HIs anger and jealousy subsided and he was back to his usual cool as a cucumber, charming self. “Sure, what’s up?”
“Why did you storm away before when you found out I had a boyfriend?”
“I didn’t storm away. I just wanted a drink.” Wow, is he really this un-self-aware? He’s more of a damage case than I thought.
“You did storm. And you always watch me. Why are you always watching me? Like in the Hamptons. You kept watching me but didn’t even talk to me.”
“I don’t watch you. I stare at you because I’m attracted to you,”
“Why did you always act like you really liked me. Why were you always so flirty? You acted like you were in love with me and then you just treated me like crap.”
“I guess that’s just how I am with everyone,” he countered.
“I know. Because you don’t feel good enough, this makes you feel worthy. It makes you feel good to make people like you. Even if what you’re showing isn’t real.” OK, now he’s getting emotional. I need to dial this back.
“I guess you’re right,” he says, looking pained.
“Do you know that I really, really liked you? Like really?”
“You did?” He asks, genuinely shocked.
“I did. And you hurt me a lot.”
“I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. It wasn’t all your fault. I kept coming back. A lot of it was my fault. You were totally clear about where you stood, I just didn’t want to accept it because I really liked you.”
“Why did you like me?” The bar is dark, but it seems like his eyes are welling up.
“I just liked you and I cared about you.”
“Why?” Now I feel on the brink of tears. Wow, he genuinely feels unlovable and unworthy. This poor guy. But now, unlike before, I don’t have a need to fix him. I feel bad, but there is nothing I can do.
“I just did. I liked everything about you, I liked hearing what you had to say and being in your presence. I just liked you,”
“I’m so sorry. I never knew. I swear, I never know.”
“It’s okay. It’s over now. I wish you all the best, I really mean that sincerely.”
And I walk away and that was that. And I meant it. I did and do wish him the best. I wish all my damage cases the best. They just aren’t mine anymore, I released them long ago and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.