There were not many words exchanged, but his eyes were always on me. Anytime I would talk to a guy I could feel his gaze, and all I had to do was look past whoever I was talking to and there he was … staring. And looking angry. And what right did he have to be angry? He could have me if he wanted, he just doesn’t want to! Or he can’t. Or he’s just too painfully damaged and I just can’t fix it.
At the end of the long weekend, I tried to talk to him about it. I asked if anything was wrong if he was mad at me.
“Nope. Why would I be mad at you?” But he said it in a way that said he was clearly mad at me and I just couldn’t deal anymore.
“Are you sure? You seem mad.”
“No, why would I be mad? I promise I’ll tell you if I’m mad,” and he walks away.
It’s not supposed to be like this. How have I spent almost a year of my life chasing after/pining for/moping over a guy I never even had in the first place? We went on two dates, that’s it! And he dumped me after those two dates. How did it come to this?
It came to this because I was a damage case addict.
I couldn’t resist. He was my heroin. I knew it was bad for me but I couldn’t resist the high. The high of when things are good. Because with damage cases, when it’s good, it’s so good.
He wasn’t my first. But he was the last. The last in a long line of damage cases. It was cute in my late teens and early twenties, but maybe not so cute now that I was approaching 30. Maybe now was the time to figure out why I was only attracted to damage cases and totally put off by normal guys who genuinely liked me.
It occurred to me that I never once had a relationship where the feelings were mutual. It was either me chasing after a damage case (and even when you “catch” a damage case, you can never quite have him. Even when you’re in a relationship with a damage case, he’s not yours. He’s always just out of your reach), or a guy hopelessly obsessed with me and me trying to like him back to no avail.
I was just chasing a high, chasing the ego boost, chasing the validation.
Kevin was the catalyst for this realization. It had been a while since I had chased after a damage case, and I thought I had nipped that problem in the bud until he came along and got me all twisted like a pretzel. It was devastating on many levels, especially to my ego! I mean, I was supposed to know better at this point; I’m a relationship expert for crying out loud!
After a series of letdowns, of high hopes and thinking things would be different followed by crushing disappointment and feeling like a fool for once again thinking the same story would have a different ending, I made a firm resolution to end this cycle for good, to make a lasting change that would lead me to the kind of love and relationship that I really wanted. I was going to finally figure out why I kept going after damage cases.
I decided to sit down and ask myself some really tough questions.