They say experience is the greatest teacher and if my dating experience has taught me anything, it’s that there are certain types of guys who always spell trouble.
Eric and I get flooded with questions from readers asking: “Is he serious about me?” Will he ever commit to me?” “He says he cares but he’s not acting like it.” This game of he loves me, he loves me not is exhausting and can ravage your self-esteem.
Think about how much time, energy, and heartache you would save if you could determine if he’s the kind of guy who will commit right off the bat.
The first step in having an amazing, healthy relationship is to choose wisely. To do that, you need to know what red flags to watch out for so you can extricate yourself from a bad situation before you get in too deep and wind up brokenhearted.
And with that, I bring you the five types of guys to avoid dating, and tips on what to do if you’re already dating one of the types.
TYPE 1: The guy who gets too intimate too soon
When a guy is over eager it can mean a few things, none of them good. The first is he wants to get you into bed, and he comes across as being extremely into you to expedite the process. He looks deep into your eyes, he tells you he’s never felt so strongly about a girl so fast, he’s extremely affectionate.
It’s also likely that he isn’t over his last girlfriend, this is especially true of guys who start acting like a boyfriend after only a few dates. His behavior isn’t so much a sign of his feelings for you as it is an indicator that he simply misses being in a relationship.
If he isn’t getting out of a relationship, then it’s very likely his strong affections are a sign of some kind of attachment issues or self-esteem problems.
If you’re already dating him: It’s up to you to put the brakes on the relationship. Don’t see him every time he asks, don’t get into the mushy stuff (no but I’m crazy about you… I’m even more crazy about you)– try to keep it light. If you’re in the early stages of dating, try not to see him more than 2-3 times a week. If he’s a too intimate too soon kind of guy he’s going to try to see you more frequently, say no!
You’ll know if you’re dealing with a guy with issues if he doesn’t respect your decision not to hang out all the time. If he pouts, whines, guilts you, begs, then there’s something going on. A guy should always respect your boundaries.
TYPE 2: The guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship right off the bat
(or won’t call you his girlfriend when it comes to poop or get off the pot time)
It really just means he can’t see himself being in a relationship with you. Don’t stick around and try to prove him wrong, it’s a losing battle.
If you’re already dating him: Tell him something like “Look, I’m not into doing the casual, undefined thing. It was great getting to know you though.” Sticking around and showing him how great you are will get you nowhere. Actually, it’ll get you trapped in relationship no-mans land where you’re in a relationship, but not really.
Don’t be bitter about it, just be cool, confident, and honest. If he’s into you, if he truly likes and respects you, he won’t let you go. It’s as simple as that.
Just like neediness is the biggest man-repeller, self-respect is the biggest man attractor. Hold your own and don’t be afraid to walk away when you don’t get what you want, this is the only way to have a shot at getting what you do want.
TYPE 3: The guy who hates his job and/or doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life
Studies have demonstrated time and time again that while women gain their sense of self-esteem and worth from their inter-personal relationships, a man assesses his value based on his job or ability to have an impact on the world. When a man feels like he isn’t contributing or being productive, he will feel like a failure. And a man who feels like a failure is an extremely tough creature to deal with.
A guy who feels lost and directionless will be too wrapped up in himself to be a loving, caring partner who can be in tune to your needs. This guy will just bring you down with his negativity and will resent you if you happen to have your act together.
If you’re already dating him: Don’t try to pump him up or find a job for him or offer insights into what you think he should do with his life. This will only make him feel like a pathetic loser.
Instead, try to make him feel like a winner in all the other areas of his life. Make an effort to acknowledge and appreciate him for who he is. And don’t place extra demands on him and get on his case for not being as available to you. The last thing he needs or wants is added stress in his life and if you become a stressor rather than a source of stress-relief, he’ll start to pull away.
If he feels great about himself when he’s around you, he’ll want to keep you around and he will make more of an effort to keep you in his life. You also need to be patient. It could take months or years for his situation to turn around. Instead of thinking about how great everything will be when he gets himself sorted, take him as he is right here and now.
TYPE 4: The tortured artist (or hipster-ish dude)
This guy is the hardest to read and the most likely to go from hot to cold with no warning and often no reason (and if there is a reason it will most likely be the most absurd one you’ve ever heard, ex: you texted him back 15 minutes after he texted you thus indicating you are way too interested in him). Show too much interest and he’ll be scared away, show not enough interest and he’ll be too afraid to make any moves, show just the right amount of interest and he’ll get bored.
This guy will create grandiose illusions of who you are, will put you on a pedestal, will make you feel like the most spectacular being to ever walk to the face of the earth (because at first, he may very well feel this way). Obviously no one can live up to such enormous expectations and you will eventually show yourself to not be the goddess he envisioned and he will vanish from your life without a trace…. and feel fully justified in doing so! You might think I’m exaggerating, but any girl who has dated this kind of guy will know exactly what I’m talking about.
If you’re already dating him: I wouldn’t get my hopes up too high with this dude, he’s even more scattered and unfocused than the job-less guy and it will take him significantly longer to get his act together.
If you find yourself involved with a starving artist type, I say keep it casual, have you fun, and don’t take it too seriously. If it’s meant to be, it’ll find a way to beat the odds and work. The odds are not great here so just have fun with it and don’t take it too seriously. Maybe if you’re lucky he’ll immortalize you in a song or poem.
TYPE 5: The guy who has never been single
Be very cautious of the guy who goes from one relationship to the next with little or no padding in between. There is no better place to hide from yourself than in a relationship and he most likely has a lot of unresolved issues and painful feelings buried deep down.
Chances are he has never really healed himself and hasn’t developed an identity outside of being in a relationship. Instead, he has probably come to see himself through the eyes of whoever he’s with and has a self-image that is entirely contingent upon what is reflected back at him.
Whatever issues he’s trying to suppress will spill out eventually and trust me, you don’t want to be the one in charge of cleaning up the mess.
If you’re already dating him: Try to take it slow an keep things open ended. And avoid becoming “official” within the first few months of dating. You need to give him space to work through whatever residual feelings he still has for his last girlfriend (and the one before her and the one before her).
If he comes on too strong, tell him that since he’s just out of a relationship you think it would be best for you guys to take it slow, and maybe even suggest giving him a few weeks to himself. If he still wants to pursue things after this time, then you can revisit it.
I know it can feel scary letting go of a guy who you see potential with, but if he really likes you and if there’s really something there, he’ll come back. They always do.