How I Know I Love You

Khánh Hmoong
Khánh Hmoong

Because I didn’t think much of you the first time I met you. Your initial striking features and charm did not sway me. I did not lust over your looks or fall for your quick wit. I didn’t even realize what was happening at the time, but my affections gradually grew with every revealed quirk and unguarded conversation.

Because my body responds to you in ways I never knew it could. I’ve longed to have a rush of excitement wash over me when I see another boy’s name on my phone, that embarrassing nervousness I get when I am expecting a date, or the moment of bliss when embracing after said date. As coveted as those feelings are, they only seem to surface for you.

Because I have never spent so much thought on something before, not even myself, and we both know how selfish I am. I have studied your mind in a futile attempt to figure you out more than I have ever studied for any exam. You are the epitome of my stubbornness and optimism– habitually checking my phone for a message from you when I wake and wondering how you are doing, what you made you laugh, or where your adventures had taken you that day before I go to bed.

Because there are symphonies and postcard destinations and children laughing and not having to set an alarm on the weekend and many other beautiful people and experiences in the world, but I seem to forget entirely of their existence when I miss you.

Because even though we are currently not in any sort of relationship, I consider how my decisions might affect you. Will pursuing my own desires bring you closer or push you farther away, permanently out of reach? (Is that worth the risk?) Will completing this goal impress you enough to make you want me back? You are the catalyst behind so many of my actions and I believe I need to seize the day everyday so I can become the best person I can be – the person you deserve.

Because I can recognize that all of this is meaningless, just text in a Word document. I feel like a 21 year-old kid, I have no authority to speak on love, yet I have convinced myself that you are indeed the person I love. You are real and flawed and still the most fascinating person I’ve ever met. I see my flaws when my hand misses yours in the car or during Mass. Life seems surreal when the less I look for you and try to let this go, the more my subconscious finds you.

If anything, I know I love you because this is hard. After all this time, I am still trying to convince myself that this truly is what is best for both of us. I know this won’t have the amicable resolution I so desperately want. I know I love you because we can’t ever be “just friends” like I want. We may never speak again, but I will still pray for your happiness everyday.

I know you are over this but I think I love you, still. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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