I know you hate me. I would too. In fact, I do hate myself. I hate myself so much for putting you through this, I know it’s wrong. I know it’s the worst thing you could possibly do to a person but please hear me out.
When I met him I didn’t know where it would go, that it would turn into this. When I got feelings for him and we spent every day together, I had no clue you were still on his mind. He assured me day in and day out that you were nothing to him but a few wasted years. When things started not adding up, I put the clues together. I knew you were back in his life and it destroyed me. Every suspicion I had came true. You can’t hide it in a small town, my friends saw you at the gas station, your brother told friends you were at the movies, the friends he claimed to be with were at the bar. It all just made sense.
He apologized at first and I put up with it. I was already too attached. But the second he sent me that text, the second he told me he missed you still, I have never felt heartache like that. I figured we were done and I needed to move on. That lasted a week. We still spoke occasionally, he would check on me and ask if I’m okay, basically anytime you fought. Which, I guess, was a lot. But him coming in and out of my life ruined any chance of me moving on. I would last a few days and be back in his bed.
Please know that I didn’t know you two were together. He told me you were working on things but never made it official. I know that’s no excuse, I know I’m still guilty, but I thought you should know.
Then we were just sleeping together, telling each other it was no feelings involved, that we just needed this. But that’s not possible with us.
After a while, we knew those feelings never left and it was impossible to ignore. I didn’t think it was love, I’ve never been in love. I didn’t even think about it until his friends started telling me. They told me I’m all he ever talks about, that we were meant for each other, that he loves me. It hit me like a ton of bricks that night. When he finally said it out loud I knew I loved him too.
Maybe it’s not love. But it’s what I knew love to be. Like I said, I’ve never loved anyone before so how would I know if this was it. I know it’s the strongest I’ve ever felt before. And I know he doesn’t love me, but you know him better than anyone. You know how convincing he is, how beautiful his words can be, how easily it is to fall back into his arms when he does the same thing over and over again.
Please understand I never wanted this to happen, and that I am so sorry it’s gotten this far. Please know the guilt is eating away at me every day. I never saw this coming, but once he did it to me I knew he’d do it to you.
I’m so sorry for never telling you when everyone else knew. Small towns can’t keep a secret much, but somehow you’re the only one nobody told. I’ve wanted to tell you since the beginning, but I knew I’d lose him when I did.
So I have no excuses, I’m not trying to absolve myself of blame, because I know you’re a good person and I know you won’t hate me reading this. I just want you to know that I am so sorry for doing this to you, and I will never forgive myself for the rest of my life.
Last but not least of my many apologies I owe to you, I’m sorry for loving him still, and I’m sorry for writing this instead of telling you. I hope you know now.