19 Tips For Non-Humans In 2012

The final word.
  1. Occasionally humans wear “clothing” which are appropriations of additional skin. Some humans wear less, others wear more. As an alien, you should wear enough to cover up your scaly skin and not attract attention or gross out your new human guests.
  2. Humans of both sexes and of many orientations engage in strange mating rituals that involve lots of rules and mind-reading. You should avoid mating with a human, unless you can actually read minds, which may be possible, depending on your form.
  3. Humans tend to stereotype each other based on appearances, race, sexual orientation, and gender. You should prepare to be marginalized as a “monster” or “E.T.” Try not to be offended, just roll with it!
  4. Humans photograph each other often to preserve memories, as they (comically) use only 10% of their brains. Though you probably use your entire brains as you are a being of higher intelligence, allow humans the space to take these photographs.
  5. Occasionally, humans photograph themselves nude and send these photographs to each other electronically because, again, their memories are poor and they forget what the human form looks like. Please do not disrupt this process.
  6. Don’t participate in human athletic events. Almost all of them consist of placing a round or semi-round object into one hard-to-reach place and are thus boring.
  7. Do wear your all-silk silver clingy jumpsuit, but only if you are in the form of an assimilated Borg like Jeri Ryan’s character from Star Trek. Otherwise, gross!
  8. If you base your expectations of humans on television, radio, or other signals and waves you have received in space that depict the human condition, please stop. Humans are dumb, but in many cases their forms of entertainment are even dumber.
  9. Rule of thumb: Humans will miss important events in their lives to stare at you, or run away in sheer terror. Either way, it means they’re thinking about you, so appreciate it!
  10. Remember that you are NOT a fully formed human being — in fact you are not a human being at all. Live up to your true potential as an alien, not as a cardboard cut-out doll from District 9.
  11. Remember that any body type can be attractive to eat. Do not discriminate between the “juicier” looking ones and the thin ones; all have their own particular flavors and some even compliment one another!
  12. We get it, you like spaceships (and laser guns, in several cases). Stop using them to kill humans!
  13. If you base your expectations of women on Marisa Miller, just stop. Humans sometimes use electronic imagery techniques to “create” other humans who don’t really exist.
  14. Not all social events need to be turned into probing events! But don’t forget to actually wipe human brains when you do this.
  15. Scaly skin, long creepy fingers and big black eyes aren’t as significant as you think. I’ve never heard of Area 51 rejecting an alien because of such a petty thing.
  16. Don’t try to understand human love and sexual attractions. Humans can barely understand it themselves.
  17. When a new alien species comes to visit, expect and embrace the period of neglect you will experience from the humans, who will surely concentrate their energy on defeating a new threat, or collectively lose their minds and, again, destroy themselves.
  18. Stop pitting humans against each other — they are perfectly capable of doing this themselves! Unless they are banding together to fight you, perceiving you as a destructive force come to wipe out humanity, in which case: you do you.
  19. That science-fiction movie you’re about to watch is about aliens who come to destroy planet Earth in giant spaceships and the humans “defeat” the aliens and live in harmony. Boom! I just saved you an abundance of time realizing that humans are absolutely terrified of anything that is different from them. TC mark
image – Laura Molina

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  • http://twitter.com/karlusss Karl McDonald

    Nailed it.

  • Anonymous

    This was perfect.

  • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

    i f-cking love you dammit

  • Molli

    I can’t wait for the 100+ comments from aliens that are offended, never coming back to TC and think your writing sucks.

    • ryansimmons

      If ONLY I could get those numbers!

  • Non-Human

    I found this extremely helpful being a ‘Non-Human’ myself, thank you for this useful and insightful explanation of the social conventions in 2012.

  • keppler 22b

    this is so god damn offensive what made you think you could write this?????? oh, just wait ryan simmons, just wait.
    12.21.12

  • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

    LOL. 

    Bye. 

  • Guest

    you win

  • Maddy

    Marry me?

    • http://twitter.com/rysimmons Ryan Simmons

      Are you an alien? If so, no thank you.

  • Rishtopher

    Well done.

  • guest

    you brilliant person. 

  • Anonymous

    HOME. RUN.

  • Abhinav Chandel

    There were some highs in the post and some lows. It was good, but some of the points seemed a bit forced. 

    • http://twitter.com/rysimmons Ryan Simmons

      Okay.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2311203 Kevin Pritchard

    You’re hatred towards non-humans sickens me! This sort of narrow minded perspective is perpetuating stereotypes about non humans!

    I’M NEVER READING THOUGHT CATALOG AGAIN!!!

  • Mljohn726

    Thank you for writing this. Seriously. Both the sarcastic bastard and the sci-fi nerd in me were most entertained.

  • kp

    friendly point: the 10% of the brain thing is false :)

    • http://twitter.com/rysimmons Ryan Simmons

      Something an alien would say.

  • Ted Pillow

    I would’ve found this funny even without the context of the previous articles. There’s something about aliens attempting to act like humans that will never stop amusing me.

  • Melissa

    such a satisfying read in so many ways.

    loved the use of things like “boom!” and “we get it,” as a nice rub-his-nose-in-shit response to the original poster. even if you didn’t mean it quite so harshly. it just pointed out how obnoxiously they were used in the first place.

    this is also just fantastic as a standalone piece. thank you!

  • LOL

    lol this is out of hand.

    how human of you to think that aliens would even need any of your tips.

  • http://www.facebook.com/black.moon.ghost.girl Moon Temple

     Ok, ok, aliens, lets not get our lasers in a bunch.
    IM an alien, and I thought this was funny! Clearly the author was being satirical, and doesn’t think ALL aliens should conform to these tips.

  • Fly McFly

    UM, excuse me? You’re assuming all non-humans are from a different planet! I happen to be an insect who finds this very fucking offensive. I can’t believe this garbage was even published.

  • Gusofhay

    Checkmate. Well played sir, well played.

  • Sarah Bailey

    ahahahaahah best one I read in weeks! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000476920438 Sara Hoogland

    excuse me, I’m under the impression that this is a reaction to another post, but I can’t figure out which one?
    I really like your vieuw, I shall try to make this regular reading at school, the minions must know the perspective humans have on us.

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