19 Tips For Non-Humans In 2012

1. Occasionally humans wear “clothing” which are appropriations of additional skin. Some humans wear less, others wear more. As an alien, you should wear enough to cover up your scaly skin and not attract attention or gross out your new human guests.
2. Humans of both sexes and of many orientations engage in strange mating rituals that involve lots of rules and mind-reading. You should avoid mating with a human, unless you can actually read minds, which may be possible, depending on your form.
3. Humans tend to stereotype each other based on appearances, race, sexual orientation, and gender. You should prepare to be marginalized as a “monster” or “E.T.” Try not to be offended, just roll with it!
4. Humans photograph each other often to preserve memories, as they (comically) use only 10% of their brains. Though you probably use your entire brains as you are a being of higher intelligence, allow humans the space to take these photographs.
5. Occasionally, humans photograph themselves nude and send these photographs to each other electronically because, again, their memories are poor and they forget what the human form looks like. Please do not disrupt this process.
6. Don’t participate in human athletic events. Almost all of them consist of placing a round or semi-round object into one hard-to-reach place and are thus boring.
7. Do wear your all-silk silver clingy jumpsuit, but only if you are in the form of an assimilated Borg like Jeri Ryan’s character from Star Trek. Otherwise, gross!
8. If you base your expectations of humans on television, radio, or other signals and waves you have received in space that depict the human condition, please stop. Humans are dumb, but in many cases their forms of entertainment are even dumber.
9. Rule of thumb: Humans will miss important events in their lives to stare at you, or run away in sheer terror. Either way, it means they’re thinking about you, so appreciate it!
10. Remember that you are NOT a fully formed human being — in fact you are not a human being at all. Live up to your true potential as an alien, not as a cardboard cut-out doll from District 9.
11. Remember that any body type can be attractive to eat. Do not discriminate between the “juicier” looking ones and the thin ones; all have their own particular flavors and some even compliment one another!
12. We get it, you like spaceships (and laser guns, in several cases). Stop using them to kill humans!
13. If you base your expectations of women on Marisa Miller, just stop. Humans sometimes use electronic imagery techniques to “create” other humans who don’t really exist.
14. Not all social events need to be turned into probing events! But don’t forget to actually wipe human brains when you do this.
15. Scaly skin, long creepy fingers and big black eyes aren’t as significant as you think. I’ve never heard of Area 51 rejecting an alien because of such a petty thing.
16. Don’t try to understand human love and sexual attractions. Humans can barely understand it themselves.
17. When a new alien species comes to visit, expect and embrace the period of neglect you will experience from the humans, who will surely concentrate their energy on defeating a new threat, or collectively lose their minds and, again, destroy themselves.
18. Stop pitting humans against each other — they are perfectly capable of doing this themselves! Unless they are banding together to fight you, perceiving you as a destructive force come to wipe out humanity, in which case: you do you.
19. That science-fiction movie you’re about to watch is about aliens who come to destroy planet Earth in giant spaceships and the humans “defeat” the aliens and live in harmony. Boom! I just saved you an abundance of time realizing that humans are absolutely terrified of anything that is different from them.

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