1. Talk to women about things they have no interest in ever hearing. Every day, at the café attached to my gym, I overhear some bozo in running shoes corner a female barista into talking about his band or his sound system or his workout routine. The poor barista nods and smiles, clearly having no interest in ANY of these subjects, and yet, still, the straight guy goes on and on. One time, after one of these idiots left, I went up to the barista and was like, “Babe? Why does he think you care about the rims on his car?” And the barista responded, with a tinge of defeat and sadness, “I don’t mind. It’s part of my job.”
2. Act entitled to all the vaginas. Recently, at an unclear mansion party in the Hollywood Hills, a Jonah Hill-esque gremlin creature started hitting on my gorgeous friend. My friend was like, “Sorry. Not my journey.” (in so many words) and the Jonah Hill creature threw a fit and skulked away. But it’s like, get over it, you dumb crybaby! Can you imagine if the roles were reversed? Imagine if Rebel Wilson walked up to Brad Pitt at a party and was like “Wanna fuck?” and then threw a massive tantrum when Brad Pitt said no. LOL. You can’t imagine it because that’s not how our society works! If Rebel hit on Brad, people would think she was psychotic. What balls! What gumption! Meanwhile, if Jonah Hill doesn’t end up with a Victoria’s Secret model, he has every right to be unsoothed. To which I also say: WHAT BALLS, HILL! WHAT GUMPTION!
3. Get upset when a movie or a TV show isn’t made specifically for them. Working in Hollywood, I’ve heard many straight guys bitch about Lena Dunham being unfuckable and OMG, that Patrick Wilson episode was SO unrealistic, and WHY DOES ANYONE EVEN WATCH THIS SJFNFFJFIRFIFJM?!!! Uh, babe? Spoiler: Not everything made in Hollywood is meant for YOU. So what if you don’t want to fuck Lena Dunham? Do you think she cares? She has earmuffs made out of hundred dollar bills so she can’t hear you complain! But then you realize, barring the last ten years or so, most TV shows and movies HAVE been made to cater to the male gaze. So when something comes along that subverts it, straight guys don’t know what to do! They’re beside themselves! Can you imagine being born into this world and thinking everything in this world is meant for you? Unreal. We need to take away the confidence of straight men ASAP because there are 10,000,000 brains that deserve it more.
4. When they hate women without even realizing it. I can’t tell you how many times my girlfriends have dated a closet misogynist. They appear normal and feminist-y and cute at first but then they have a few drinks and they’re like “It’s Jennifer Lawrence’s fault she had her nude photos hacked! She was asking for it!” Sigh. It just goes to show how deeply engrained it all is. You can have deep dark feelings about women and have your brain register it as normal. I know we’ve all had sex with people who hate us but OUR ENTIRE GENDER? Rude.
5. On a much, much lighter note: I really hate when straight guys lift up their shirt and “absentmindedly” rub their stomach. What are you doing? Does your stomach really itch that much? I don’t recall my stomach ever itching. Does having a six-pack make them itch? All those defined muscles just create an itching sensation that demands a stomach rub while you’re scratching the back of your head? Help me understand. Mansplain it to me on the subway while taking up three subway chairs.