1. The amazing dating scene! “So I met this guy and his personality is poison and he never texts me back but when we meet up once a month and walk together in the West Village, it’s… magic, you know? I can’t explain it. Like, it honestly feels like I’m in an indie movie and I’m his Greta fucking Gerwig.”
2. Pride. “People from my hick hometown need to be jealous of me and my fabulous life in New York. I’m doing this all for them! I’m paying $1,600 a month in rent just so Candy Sue from Cupcake, Illinois will feel bad about herself whenever I post a picture of the NY skyline!! And then I get to go home for the holidays and tell everyone from high school, “Yeah. I still live in New York. What have you guys been up to?” And it’s obviously nothing because they’re all losers and I’m an assistant manager at a Stumptown in the Flatiron and it just feels so good, you know? Like, I manage a chic coffee shop. I’ve been to a warehouse party in Bushwick. What the fuck have YOU done with your life?”
3. The stellar career opportunities. You could be an assistant editor at a FASHION MAGAZINE and have someone named CarLay Dinglebottom throw shoes at your head!!! Ugh, dream come true, much?!! So #blessed. Oh, and you’ll get paid a mega-glam $32,000 a year and save money on rent by living in the subway tunnel! Don’t be a diva, okay? It’s very up-and-coming down there!!!
4. The restaurant inside the Urban Outfitters in Williamsburg. Have you ever been to a place with such fucking culture? I love their gentrification lasagna. It tastes like…tears and Google Glass.
5. You’d never leave behind your amazing friends who you never see because everyone is so busy working or at work drinks or a work event and, well, I guess you haven’t seen them in awhile and no one really texts you back and honestly you can’t remember a time on a Saturday afternoon when you didn’t feel so utterly alone. LOL!
6. You could NEVER leave those amazing New York springs! They go from April 12th at 12:30 all the way to 6:30. Wow!! What an amazing six hours that spring was!!! You’re Dean and Delusional if you think you could ever say goodbye to that.
7. The intense FOMO. If you left New York that would mean you’d be leaving all those AMAZING parties you say you’re attending on Facebook but never actually end up going to because you’re too busy having panic attacks watching Grace & Frankie in your bedroom. And you’d miss the Broadway plays you can never afford to go to and the museums you always forget about and all the outdoor festivals occupied by huppies (that’s hipster yuppies, hon). You can’t say goodbye to all these great things you never did! That’s insane!
8. Taylor Swift, a known relatable pop star whose song “Welcome To New York” was basically ripped from the headlines of YOUR LIFE, lives here, so it must still be chic.
9. The amazing Mexican food. I mean, are you kidding? Try finding a better guac than the one at Chipotle, I dare you.
10. Oops, you’re not actually allowed to leave. I know New York City holds a gun to your head and doesn’t let anyone escape. No one talks about this but I’m tired of covering it up! Yes, it’s true. Everyone is secretly crocheting SOS into their pillows at home, hoping a plane with X-ray vision will fly above them and see their cries for help. If you try to leave state lines, you will be pushed back into the city and find yourself dropped into the women’s clothing store, Strawberry, in Union Square.