1. Showing up solo to the party
There are very few parties I would be brave enough to arrive to by myself. In order for that to happen, I must be soul sisters with the host and feel absolutely confident that if there were ever a lull, I could lean on them for support without fear of resentment. Who else out there has wanted to go to a party before but didn’t because you didn’t know enough people there and all your real friends bailed? Sometimes a “good acquaintance” of mine will invite me to their house party and it will sound like SO MUCH FUN but if I can’t wrangle a solid bestie to attend with me, I stay home. Then the next day, my acquaintance will be like, “OMG, WHY DIDN’T YOU COME LAST NIGHT? IT WAS CRAZY!” and instead of telling them the truth, which is, “None of my good friends would come and I didn’t feel like suffering through an hour of awkwardness by myself until everyone got drunk enough and the party became fun,” I lie and say I got sick. I wish i was a stronger person!
2. Running into someone and having no idea who the hell they are
I haven’t been diagnosed by a doctor but I’m 100% certain I suffer from facial blindness. It’s a real condition that makes you unable to identify people’s faces and, therefore, look like a perpetual asshole. About once or twice a month I will run into someone on the street who will be like, “Hey Ryan!” and I’ll look at them and just be like, “Heyyyyy babe…..” If we talk for a long enough time and I ask them questions that give me hints on their identity, I’ll be able to figure it out but if it’s a quick drive by, forget about it. Just last night, I was eating dinner with my family at a restaurant in Silverlake and this cute guy (who I’m probably good friends with) came in and was like, “Hi Ryan!” My mom looked at me and said, “Who’s that?” and I said, “I don’t know…” and just smiled at them and waved back. I could tell that I was supposed to go over there and greet him but I didn’t want to make the situation even more embarrassing. It sucks! I look like a socially inept prick. I need a person always by my side who can be like, “That’s Josh. You gave him a BJ last summer!” just like Anne Hathaway does with Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada.
3. Running into someone who you recently blew off
We live in an age where people flake on each other constantly and while it’s considered hurtful and annoying, it’s also kind of like, “I get it. Fuck you but I get it.” Still, if you just downright ignore someone’s texts to hang out, you better be prepared for the social gods to punish you. Every time I do something sketchy to a friend and blow them off completely, I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll be running into them in the next week. And when this happens, it’s hilarious because you both know that you’re busted. The question now is are you going to mention it? Because there are two ways this conversations can go. The first way is you fiercely apologizing for being a flake and making up some lie about your phone not working or (my personal favorite!) explaining that you’ve been super depressed and a total hermit lately. Or you can ignore the whole thing completely and pretend it never happened. Both ways are uncomfortable and may give you diarrhea afterwards.
4. Seeing an ex with their new significant other
When you run into an ex with their new significant other, you know it must be because you did something terrible in a past life, like drown puppies or play in a ska band. When this happens, I think we should all be allowed to just be like, “No” and keep walking. Why is not put into law yet? Why are we pretending to be nice and evolved when we’re all just immature and spiteful? WHO ARE WE ACTUALLY PRETENDING FOR? It should be socially acceptable to tell the truth every once and awhile. To be honest!
5. When your friend is wasted and saying inappropriate things
Everybody has that friend who is a complete party foul. You can’t bring them anywhere because they end up getting too drunk and talking about their daddy issues to borderline strangers in a Del Taco drive-thru at 2am. It’s mortifying because you have to go into damage control/publicist mode and make apologizes for your friend’s behavior as they stand five feet away from you. Eventually, the drunk paranoia will set in and your friend will know you’re talking about them and flip out on you. Ugh, the whole situation is the worst. I vote that all party fouls only hang out with each other and throw their own parties. That way, they can all drink until they sob and puke without fear of judgment from their non-party foul friends! Deal?