Internet You: I HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS, OMG! Seriously, I don’t even know where to put all of them. Perhaps on my Instagram so everyone thinks I’m really popular? Look, here are some photos of me and my best friend! We rarely see each other but when we do, I make sure to take 10,000 pictures of us so the Internet thinks we’re closer than we actually are.
Real Life You: Um, how can I have 1,267 friends on Facebook and still have no one to go to dinner with tonight?
Internet You: I’m someone who is ALWAYS on the go. I’m going to tweet about how I’m too busy to actually tweet. I’m checking in on FourSquare to let you know that I am a person who does things, dammit!
Real Life You: Anywhere that’s not my apartment scares me. 65% of my motivation to go out is just so I can broadcast it to the Internet and make everyone else feel jealous of me.
Internet You: My life is a constant barrage of communication. Not a moment goes by without receiving some form of validation from another person online. “Like, Tweet, Repeat”
Real Life You: I haven’t talked to someone IRL all day. Hon? Anyone there?
Internet You: I never eat anything unless it’s organic and has truffle oil on it and is being served in a boho chic restaurant! Look, here’s some pictures of the fig casserole I’m about to eat!
Real Life You: Don’t make me pull up the Seamless order history, you little liar.
Internet You: Here’s me and my wonderful boyfriend skiing in Aspen. SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN.
Real Life You: We haven’t had sex in a month and he has trouble getting hard.
Internet You: Here I am on a hike! I’m so healthy!!!
Real Life You: I puked before it started because I was so hungover.
Internet You: Being single sucks. Come cuddle with me.
Real Life You: You actually like me? *RUNS AWAY SCREAMING BACK TO THEIR COMPUTER WHERE IT’S SAFE AND NO ONE CAN HURT THEM*