1. You can’t cook
Is it just me or does everyone else find so-called “easy” cooking recipes to be the hardest thing imaginable? I just read one for a chicken soup that you’re supposed to be able to make even when you’re sick and feel like dying, but it still seemed impossible to me. Like, I could NEVER make this chicken soup even if I was at my best. All these “cooking for beginners” recipes are like, “So just use some spare chicken stock you have lying around in the fridge and, you know, throw some parsnips and figs in there, and voila, you have the most simple version of soup. A blind man could do it!” Uh, no. I don’t even know what chicken stock is. Is it something you can invest in on Wall Street? All I have in my fridge right now is old take out soup, marinara sauce, Thin Mints, and Vicodin (best served chilled, obvs). Tell me what I can make with those ingredients, Rachael Ray!
2. You have no idea what to do when you’re sick
Last month, I somehow managed to develop two abscesses on my face, except I didn’t know they were abscesses. I just thought they were super painful zits. So I left them alone for awhile until I started experiencing random fever dreams in the middle of the night and my skin felt like it was getting hit with a jackhammer. Then I was like, “Weird! Maybe I should check this out?” So I ran screaming into the arms of my dermatologist, who told me that I had developed two cysts and that an infection has spread to my lymph nodes. “You’re really sick,” she told me. “Have you not noticed?” Um, not really. I’m not one of those people who is in tune with their body. We don’t have a natural rhythm developed. In fact, I don’t even think we’re on speaking terms. Occasionally, I’ll text it and be like, “Hey babe, what’s the deal with this headache I’m currently experiencing? Do I have a brain tumor?” And then my body will text me back and say, “No, you idiot. Just take some Advil and leave me alone!” Whenever I actually do get sick, I have no idea what to do so I just pretend it’s not happening. Great system, no? The key to living a long life!
3. Gay mermaids are getting into relationships and you’re still single
The most disturbing thing about this gay merman on the latest episode of TLC’s My Strange Obsession is not the fact that he literally swims around in water with a fake fin attached to his body. It’s that he actually has A BOYFRIEND. You guys, a gay guy who’s convinced he’s a mythical creature is off the market and I don’t get it. Is this some kinky sex fetish thing? It must be, right? People don’t just date mermans unless they want to fuck a fin, correct? Ugh. You know who also has a boyfriend? Jessica Simpon’s creepy as fuck dad! Yeah, he was gay for five minutes before he hooked up with some meth-y 19-year-old in West Hollywood! While I would never want that for myself, I still can’t help but be disturbed that Joe Simpson and a gay mermaid have boyfriends and not me. Clearly I don’t have my shit together. Clearly I’m doing something wrong if gay fish are getting laid but I’m not.
4. You can’t put a duvet cover on to save your life
Last weekend I went and bought a new down comforter and duvet cover because mine was five years old and torn to shreds. So I go to Crate & Barrel feeling like the ultimate sophisticated adult, purchase the aforementioned items, and prance on home feeling very accomplished and together. “I bought new bed things! I bought things that go on my bed! Looks like I’ve reached my adult quota for the next year.” My euphoria was short-lived, however, when I realized that I would actually have to put the duvet cover on my new comforter. This is probably the least favorite chore for everybody but to me, it’s an impossible task. I tried for an hour to get that motherfucker comforter into the diva duvet but the two weren’t having it. They weren’t connecting or seeing eye-to-eye. Finally, I had to call up my friend who’s 4 foot 11 and bribe her with a free dinner at Red Lobster if she would get INSIDE the duet cover and sort out the comforter. It worked. My friend came over, rolled around inside the duvet cover wrestling with the comforter, got it all evened out, and then we went for cheddar biscuits. But, like, I can’t be doing this forever, right? Eventually my friends will be married with kids and won’t have the time to help me with the duvet cover, no matter how many free dinners at exclusive chain restaurants I tempt them with!
5. You can’t keep anything alive
For my birthday, my sister got me a beautiful plant that you only had to water once every 30 days. It somehow managed to die in under a month, which I didn’t think was possible, but I guess it took one look at its new environment and was like, “BRB, going to kill myself.”
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