1. Thanks to websites like Seamless, we now have the ability to look at all the meals we’ve ordered from the past WHATEVER months/years. Do you know how terrible that is? Whenever I log on to Seamless, I have to close my eyes and sing the opening lyrics to Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful”: DON’T LOOK AT ME. Because I really don’t want to know how many times I’ve ordered chicken Pad Thai in the last three weeks. I really don’t, honey.
2. Facebook stalking. Like, if I came of age in the ’80s, I would have NO IDEA about how big of a creep I could be. I would have no clue that I’d be the kind of person to still stalk someone I used to hook up with ages ago and silently scream when their relationship status changes from single to an in a relationship. And I would’ve LOVED not knowing. No one needs to have all of that information about their exes at their fingertips. Our hearts weren’t built to withstand that kind of shit!
3. Constant rejection. Someone didn’t follow you back on Twitter? Well, your personality must suck. Oh, the dude you’re hooking up with doesn’t text you back? It’s because you’re bad in bed! Before The Information Age, you’d only get rejected when someone didn’t call your land line or offer you their hand in marriage. But now there are a bunch of new ways to get denied and feel bad about yourself. So far, the only thing the Internet and cell phones has done to my life is made me feel like an unlovable stalking psycho!
4. We all have ADD. My roommate recently got an iPad and now the bitch can’t even sit through an entire episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Even I find myself getting fidgety during movies now. I recently watched How To Survive A Plague OnDemand, which was HOLY FUCK AMAZING, but I still had to pause that shit five times to make a phone call and write emails. After the movie ended, I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even sit through this powerful moving documentary without taking breaks.
5. You know what your best friend from the 4th grade is always doing (GOING TO YOGAAAAAA BIKRAM BITCH!) and that’s just something we’re not meant to know. Some people need to fade away forever. We’re not supposed to keep tabs on everybody.
6. Lack of motivation to engage in IRL activities. Why would we need to see someone when we can just text them constantly? Why would I go out to eat when I can just order from my couch? Before the existence of the Internet and smart phones, people were much more willing to leave their comfort zone because if we didn’t, we’d be living on our own Walden Pond!
7. People are becoming increasingly more socially-awkward. There’s nothing ruder than someone who seems cool online but is actually a nightmare IRL. Like, give me my money back now. I deserve a refund.