Celibacy is a topic that comes up semi-frequently among me and my single friends. We start talking about being sexually frustrated and then someone, probably me, asks, “Wait, when’s the last time you’ve actually had sex?” Then a quiet hush falls over the table, which obviously means that it’s been way too long.
“Um, it’s embarrassing. I can’t say.”
It’s always 9 months, by the way. That seems to be the magic “I haven’t had sex in a long time” number. That’s probably because after about nine months of unintentional celibacy, you’ll usually fuck anyone just so it doesn’t spill on over into a year. Once it’s been that long, you start to worry that your penis/vagina stops working.
What’s interesting to me is that most of my friends — all of whom are smart, young, and attractive — have gone through a long stretch of unintentional celibacy. Very rarely do I meet someone who’s like, “The longest I’ve gone without sex is like four weeks.” No. There’s always a period of your life in college or after you just graduated where you don’t get laid. This could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe you’ve moved back in with your parents and obviously feel weird about screwing in their house. Maybe you’ve gained weight and feel unsexy. Or maybe there’s literally just no one around who you can fuck. Whatever the reason, everyone can relate to living in a sex-free zone. I find that fascinating because everywhere you look, it feels like people are having sex. Like, how many times have you felt that everyone was getting laid BUT YOU? *raise your hand*
That’s clearly a fallacy though. The “secret sex life” is the life that actually doesn’t involve much sex. Even though people would rather share a story about a weird sexual experience they’ve had than something about the fact that they’re not getting any, it makes me (and you, I’m presuming) feel better that everybody goes through dry spells. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Gargoyle or a Gisele. Sexlessness affects EVERYONE.
That being said, you should never go TOO long without it. Otherwise, shit gets weird real fast. I once didn’t have sex for a year and a half, and by the end of it my penis was practically suffering from PTSD. I had become afraid of boys or any kind of intimacy. My brain had become fucked because my body wasn’t getting fucked.
You need to have a healthy amount of sex. Like, now. When’s the last time you got laid, dear reader? Don’t be shy. Tell me everything. Maybe you can find your next partner in the comments section.