1. “Dancer in the #dark”
Actress/singer/artist of many things, Lindsay Lohan’s first Instagram photo was taken on December 21, 2011, and it pretty much sets the bleak tone for what’s to come. Black and white, grainy, and indecipherable, the picture features a dead-eyed Lindsay being swallowed up by the darkness that surrounds her. Most people like to start off their Instagram with a picture of a homemade quiche or an inspirational quote. Not Lindsay though. Lindsay likes to begin with a report from the front lines of her own shame spiral.
Best comment: “U were gr8 in mean girls!!! …….now look at u 😁”
2. “I Know Who Killed Me: The Musical”
Remember those pictures that leaked a few years ago of Mary-Kate Olsen and Nicole Richie wearing matching flannel, hitting a piñata in an empty mansion, and looking strung out on heroin? Lindsay looks more fucked up than them in this picture. She carries all the signs of a non-sober person. Wearing sunglasses at night? Check. Mouth slightly agape like you’re not exactly sure what drug you just took? Yep. An unnecessary thumbs up? You betcha! And last but certainly not least: a creepy-looking 40-year-old guy lurking in the back of your photo? Guilty as charged. This photo is my anti-drug.
Best comment: “It looks like it’s from the 50’s”
3. “The One Where I’m Topless In A Clothing Store”
This picture, which is captioned “Barney’s after dark,” shows a topless Lindsay Lohan lying on the ground of a clothing store while attempting to wink at the camera. Stars: they’re just like us!
Best comment: “l im sorry but ur a really bad Role model”
4.”I Like To Collage!!!!!!!!”
What is this photo? Seriously, how did it even come into being? It’s a picture of Lindsay wearing a giant hat on Twitter? Who made this? Aliana?? So many of her Instagram photos are saturated in filters that you can’t even tell what’s going on, which in a way makes sense I guess. Throughout the years, Lindsay’s brain has become so damaged by drugs and alcohol that it’s probably just turned into one giant Instagram filter on its own. “Who put the weird effects on this picture of me?” Lindsay yells to no one in particular. Her assistant grabs her by the arm and calmly says, “Lindsay, that’s just your regular face…”
Best comment: Friggen love u girl! 😘 Do ur thang these ugly bitches guna talk shit n hate no matter what!”
5. “Have you met my photographer? His name is Cocaine…”
One of the first times I did cocaine was in my sophomore year of college. I took it with my roommate, who I barely knew at the time, with the sole intention of bonding with her and it worked. After snorting a couple of lines, we were confessing our deepest and darkest secrets to each other and saying how excited we were to be living together. Then, in a particularly coke-y turn of events, we decided to try on all the clothes in our closet and have an impromptu fashion show. We took polaroids of every outfit change, acting like we were Linda fucking Evangelista when, in fact, we were channeling Danny Devito circa The Penguin. But that’s what coke does to you. It makes you feel like a 10 even when you’re grinding your teeth, dripping in sweat and scaring small children. The next morning, I woke up with a gnarly coke hangover and gasped when I saw the forty polaroids scattered all across the floor. We looked legitimately insane. Our faces resembled melted down Starbursts. Horrified, I immediately gathered up all the pictures and shoved them in the back of the closet, hoping and praying I’d never have to see them again. Fortunately, I never had a coked out photo shoot again but just looking at Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram is bringing back memories of my wayward youth and giving me coke breath. I’d wager to guess that 90% of these photos were taken by cocaine. The weird, sexy model face she keeps giving the camera has to be because of the drugs. You just don’t do that kind of glamazon shit when you’re sober.
Best comment: “Lindsay leave that life behind and come and live with me, no one will bother you and you can live a normal life with someone who loves you❤think about it”
6. “I LOVE SHOPPING!!!!”
This picture was presumably taken by Lindsay as she hid in the clothing racks of Opening Ceremony and waited for them to close so she could snatch up a few items.
Best comment: “I love you miss Lindsay, you are my true inspiration!!!”
7. “I’m one of Lindsay’s best friends actually”
This tool right here probably has a trust fund and is coming out with his very own hat line called My Hat, Your Hat, Everybody’s Hats! in the near future. A thousand bucks says he’s still in the closet, despite wearing fur coats and always talking to people about their Astrological sign.
Best comment: “Lindsey u look great” (Note: Lindsay* is not in this picture. That’s a man.)
8. “Mi Reflejo”
Lindsay takes a picture of what she thinks is a ghost, only to realize that it’s just her reflection.
Best comment: “What exactly are we looking at?”
9. “Memoirs Of A Geisha”
Despite rarely updating, Lindsay somehow thought this picture of what appears to be an expensive nightgown warranted an Instagram share.
Best comment: “How did u get so many followers?”
10. “A Not-So-Virgin Suicide”
Is it just me or is Lindsay looking more and more like a Madame Tussauds wax figure lately?
Best comment: “When r u gonna show me the lines of coke u do every nite?”
Overall, Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram account is exactly what you’d think it’d be: full of nonsense, drenched in “artsy” photo effects, and filled with enough drugs to give you a contact high simply by looking at some of the photos.