18 Ways To Survive Valentine’s Day
1. DO NOT round up your single girlfriends and watch Ryan Gosling movies while bitching about your lackluster love lives. That shit was only cute in high school and college. Now it’s just #dark and cliche. You know who can’t bring you love, make out with you, and eat you out? Ryan Gosling on your TV screen.
2. Go out to the bars and let your hair down. Even though it’s a Thursday, no one will judge you for living la vida loca. Just don’t end the night crying in your corner and telling strangers that you’re going to die alone.
3. Make out with someone. Anyone. A guy named Bob. Why not? It seems like Valentine’s Day would be the easiest day of the year for single people to get some action. Take advantage of the vulnerability!
4. Call your drug dealer to kill the pain. Then, when they arrive at your apartment, surprise them with a romantic candlelit dinner. “Gotcha! You’re my valentine, hon!”
5. Send your nemesis a bouquet of black roses.
6. Eat pizza for breakfast and then urge complete strangers to touch your body.
7. Make sure you have plans. Any plans. Valentine’s Day is not the time to be alone with your thoughts.
8. Allow yourself to masturbate to the dirtiest porn imaginable. Guilt-free!
9. Drop water balloons from your window on to the heads of happy couples strolling down your block.
10. Get groomed. Get your haircut. Buy a new outfit. Feel sexy. (Buying new expensive underwear always works for me.)
11. Go on a date. It might seem like a weird thing to do on Valentine’s Day but both of you will be feeling so raw and exposed that it might expedite the “getting to know you” process.
12. Walk around your neighborhood blasting Portishead from a boombox.
13. Eat. Go out to a nice long, languid dinner. The kind that lasts for hours and leaves you clouded with a red wine drunk. The only thing better than fucking is eating. If you can’t find someone’s privates parts to put in your mouth, try some flourless chocolate cake instead!
14. Text all of your exes and accuse them of giving you an STD.
15. Think about couples like Sid & Nancy and how love worked out so well for them…
16. Leave town. GET OUT NOW. It can’t be Valentine’s Day EVERYWHERE, right?
17. Know that you will be loved and get fucked again.
18. Also know that Valentine’s Day is dumb and it’s okay if it’s making you sad because you’re single. You’re only human.