1. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s opening monologue
Professional BFF’s Amy Poehler and Tina Fey predictably slayed the opening monologue. It was funny and biting without veering into caustic territory, like previous host Ricky Gervais had made a mistake of doing in the past. The most insane part of the monologue was when Amy Poehler made a joke about Kathryn Bigelow being an expert on torture since she was married to James Cameron and everyone in the audience being like, “OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE JUST SAID THAT ABOUT BIG JIM. SHE IS SO BAD!” Come on, Hollywood. It’s a well-known fact that Cameron is an egomaniac. Don’t get your La Perla underwear in a twist. Sidenote: Knowing that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are best friends IRL fills me with such a profound sense of security and I don’t know why.
2. Taylor Swift shooting Adele a “BITCH, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” when she beat her out for Best Original Song
Okay, does anyone else think Taylor Swift is secretly the number one mean girl? Talking shit with her must be a blast but god forbid you ever get on this woman’s bad side! Just ask Adele. When Adele ran up to the podium to give her speech (“I so did not expect a Golden Globe. I just never win any awards so this really means a lot to me!”) the camera cut to Taylor Swift giving her the darkest death stare I’ve ever seen on television. God, the cameramen for the Golden Globes must be a bunch of bitchy queens because they know exactly who is throwing shade and what genius coverage to get. “Girl, Taylor is giving Adele the scariest look right now. CUT TO HER, CUT TO HER!”
3. Lindsay Lohan’s live-tweeting
Although she never got an invite to this year’s Golden Globes, that didn’t stop Lindsay Lohan from sharing her thoughts about the event on her Twitter. Over the three hour broadcast, Lindsay talked fondly of having the privilege of working with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey… back in 2004 when people still returned her phone calls, threw shade at Jennifer Lawrence when she tweeted that no one should disrespect a legend like Meryl Streep (when Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook, she jokingly said, “I beat Meryl!”), said that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s relationship reminded her so much of her brother, Mike Lohan, and his girlfriend #NinaGinsberg, and expressed outrage that Snow Patrol wasn’t nominated for their song that appeared in Act of Valor. Um, anyone who is claiming that Snow Patrol was robbed of a Golden Globe has clearly been high since 2005.
4. Quentin Tarantino being Quentin Tarantino
I love it when Quentin Tarantino emerges from his coke den and releases a movie because it means he’ll be at all the award shows acting like a fucking psycho. You know who he is IRL? He’s Kristen Johnston’s character from Sex and the City — a hard-partying nutjob who’s the only one left at the party still doing drugs. Rumor has it Tarantino tried to snort Elle Fanning in the lobby during the Golden Globes, thinking she was a line of cocaine, but that’s just hearsay.
5. Glenn Close pretending (or not) that she’s wasted
6. Hot old guys being everywhere
The Golden Globes are a haunting reminder that I would have sex with most male celebrities over the age of 40. George Clooney, Paul Rudd, Daniel Day-Lewis… make it stop! (Just kidding, don’t stop.)
7. Jennifer Lopez’s dress
8. Anne Hathaway’s acceptance speech
“Thank you so much for giving me this award that I already knew I was going to win. First and foremost, I would like to thank myself for having the courage to not eat for six months and cut my beautiful hair. I’d also like to thank the audience for being a giant pile of sentimental goo that bought into this steaming pile of shit movie I starred in. Smooch!”