1. Wondering when you’ll ever get your shit together. You’re stuck right now. If someone painted a picture of what your life would be like at this age, you’d be like, “Please don’t make it look like this.” You’re trapped in a job you don’t like. Or maybe you feel like you’re in a dead-end relationship. Whatever it is, you’re dissatisfied. And during the day you’re able to bury it, you’re able to be like, “OMG, I love my life!!!!” to the hot dog vendor on your way to work but then the sun disappears and you’re reminded yet again of how much you hate everything. It’s hard to fake anything at midnight, besides maybe an orgasm. As you try to go to sleep, you find that the only thing you’re left with is an endless loop of #realtalk with yourself. Sweet dreams….
2. Something stupid you said earlier that day. Shame spirals really flourish at bedtime. For example, once in college, I greeted a near-stranger by KISSING THEM ON THE FOREHEAD. I have no idea why I did this. It was in the middle of the day. I was sober. I had met the person once before and thought we hit it off. When I saw them again, I was so excited that I ran up to them and just, um, you know, decided to kiss the side of their forehead. The second I did it, I realized my grave error and was like, “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK DID I JUST DO!” My borderline-acquaintance was also visibly #NotClearOn why I decided to make out with her forehead. The whole thing was terrible and needless to say that night I got zero sleep because my mind was too busy replaying the social faux-paus over and over again for me. “OH YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT? YOU’RE TOO STUPID AND EMBARRASSING TO SLEEP! YOU DON’T DESERVE IT.”
3. Thinking about the people you want to have sex with. Nighttime very quickly leads to sexytime and before you know it, you’re having such thoughts as, “Great, the sun is down. Time to ponder that plumber I met when I was 16 who I desperately wanted to seduce me.” There’s a lot of people who don’t ever cross my mind unless I’m in bed with the covers over my head.
4. All of the things you haven’t done/will never do. Everything from “I really need to call my health insurance company” to “AM I EVER GOING TO, LIKE, OWN A HOUSE? OR FIND LOVE? I should work on that tomorrow. Or, at the very least, join a gym. OMG, wait, the gym. That reminds me. I am so fat…”
5. This is SO RARE but sometimes your own happiness and excitement will keep you up at night. And when this happens, you won’t even give a flying fuck about the fact that you can’t sleep. Because your brain is too busy screwing itself in ecstasy. Like, why sleep when you can feel happy instead? Such a better use of your time. There’s something so safe about being in your bed late at night. Add contentment to that and you are basically the happiest you’ll ever be. You’re so pleased that you just want to wrap yourself in your covers like a giant burrito and hug your wall. You want to smile and roll around in your bed at least 20 times like a crazed wild animal. Tear at the bedsheets, bury your face in your pillow and let out a cheerful scream.