1. Not drinking alcohol the night before. It’s been scientifically proven that if you go out to the bars and stay sober, your chances of having a regretful one-night-stand or experiencing extreme paranoia that all of your friends secretly hate you or screaming “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!” to the man who works the falafel stand around the corner from your apartment are greatly diminished. In fact, not only will you not wake up feeling like shit the next morning, you will also feel smug and superior. Let’s drink (seltzer water) to that!
2. Getting wasted and being in complete denial about it. Telling your friends “I AM NOT DRUNK I SWEAR TO GOD. YOU ARE ALL SO ANNOYING SRSLY WHY DOESN’T ANYONE BELIEVE ME?!” over and over again has been known to reverse the effects of alcohol completely. It’s sort of like being a victim of a self-fulfilling prophecy or using The Secret. Suddenly, you’ll start to feel more and more sober, and by the end of the night your friends will feel like jerks for ever assuming that you were three sheets to the wind. “See? I told you I wasn’t drunk,” you’ll say to them while performing a complex gymnastics routine in front of the bar at 4am. “You’re all assholes.”
3. Sitting your hangover down in the morning and telling it to back the fuck off.
You: Sweetie. Precious. Angel wings on fire….
Your hangover: What bitch?
You: You need to give mama a break today. She’s not up for your shenanigans. (I’m mama, FYI.)
Your hangover: You should’ve thought about that before you were doing shots of tequila at the gay bar.
You: (eyes dart nervously across the room) I wasn’t at the gay bar.
Your hangover: Yes, you were.
You: No, I wasn’t.
Your hangover: Yes, you were.
You: Nope, sorry, must’ve been someone else! Anyway, please just go away. Come back later, if you really want to. I just need a moment to get my shit together and run some errands.
Your hangover: You need to start being honest with yourself about who you are.
You: You need to buzz off!
Your hangover: I won’t. I’m tired of being treated like shit. Hangovers get a bad rap but really, we’re inherently good. We just want what’s best for you. We just want you to stop poisoning your body with evil alcohol! You know what? I’m going to make my presence extra known today so you can learn a lesson.
You: NO. I hate you.
Your hangover: In time you will learn to appreciate all that I’ve done for you. Now go lay in the bath and think about all the things you need to do to improve your life. See you soon! (But hopefully not too soon.)
Okay, so talking to your hangover doesn’t always work. Whatever.
4. Pretend your hangover doesn’t exist. Ignore its constant texts to hang out. Ignore all the symptoms. Be in complete denial and convince all of your friends go to kayaking and/or rock climbing all day. Scream, “THIS FEELS FUCKING AMAZING!” as you sob while crawling up a giant mountain.
5. Say the words, “I’M NEVER DRINKING EVER AGAIN!” while face first in a vat of pasta. Because that works every single time. Yup. Foolproof.