1. Will I be required to speak like a corporate douchebag? “WHERE ARE THE ACTION ITEMS, BOB? CAN I PULL THE TRIGGER ON THIS? LET’S CIRCLE BACK…. ” Because it’s really hard for me—emotionally, spiritually, and in certain cases, even sexually—to use that kind of terminology. I don’t even know what 80% of it means. “Does anyone have any more arrows to fire….in the arrow field? Hon?”
2. Do cool people work at the company? Am I going to make friends here or will I be eating my tuna sandwich (which I made at home because that’s what depressing people do!) all alone at my desk while my co-workers all go out together to Chipotle?
3. On a scale from 1 to 10, how much are you going to make me hate life?
4. How awesome are your holiday parties? Can I get wasted, do coke in the bathroom, and make out with my office crush?
5. That reminds me: do hot people work here? I’m only asking because I’ve found that having a crush on someone in the office can make even the shittiest jobs bearable.
6. Do you care about people? Do you know what empathy means? If so, please use it in a sentence.
7. As a boss, who do you think resembles you more: Miranda Priestly from Devil Wears Prada or Rose from Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead? (Please say the latter. Please also say that I can embezzle petty cash and tell you, “I’m right on top of that, Rose!)
8. Will I ever feel comfortable enough to poop here?
9. You know that was a lie when I said that my number one weakness in the workplace was being too organized, right? You realize that no one answers that question honestly? Here’s the real answer: my weakness is occasionally being consumed by complete and utter apathy about my job and spending an embarrassing portion of the day on Gchat.
10. Do you give bonuses at Christmas? Also, how often do you give raises because the salary you’re giving me right now is a motherfucking joke. I would laugh at it if I weren’t too busy crying into my ramen.
11. Will you give me a good recommendation? I think about this the day I start a new job, which might sound weird, but trust me, it’s not. Getting a good recommendation from a place you’ve devoted all your time to is the silver lining on an otherwise stormy rain cloud.
12. Health insurance: do I get it? (I HAVE TO GET IT.) And does it cover dental? I’m really not interested in having Austin Powers teeth by the time I’m 30.
13. Do you believe that people are never really “off”work? Because I don’t. I don’t take my work home with me. I take a bottle of wine.
14. Can I play “Call Me Maybe” or any Hilary Duff song on my headphones full-blast without being judged?
15. Is there an office dress code? I’m asking because I don’t own any nice clothes. If you want to pay for a new professional wardrobe, though, I’d be VERY receptive to that idea.
16. How annoying is the most annoying person that works here? I really can’t deal with a terrible co-worker. I’m very delicate. If I have to deal with an office bugaboo (someone who wants to be my BFF and share all details of their personal life), I will scream and cry before eventually hiding in a far-removed corner of the office. “Ryan,” a co-worker will say. “Why are you working in the broom closet?”
17. Am I going to hate your guts? Is this the only day that I will ever like you? Is it all downhill from here?