1. Because I’m sick of running into people I used to know but have drifted from over the years. Bumping into these folks is like a stun gun to your heart and IT NEVER STOPS HAPPENING WHEN YOU’RE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. It’s like navigating a land mine. You never know who you’re going to see/what bomb is going to go off when you’re at your hometown Rite-Aid buying deodorant.
2. Because I’m sick of fielding questions about my life from people I only see once a year and who don’t REALLY care about where I’m working or who I’m loving. I’m sick of the constant polite dances. My feet already have blisters on them from the constant barrage of social niceties.
3. Because I’m sick of the gift politics, of who got what, of weird hurt feelings, of buying a gift for someone and watching them clearly be like, “WTF? Why did you get me this?” Why don’t we agree to just not give each other gifts next year? It will decrease the chances of hurt feelings and INCREASE my bank balance.
4. Because I’m sick of being faced with the flaws in my family, of being reminded that they’re not perfect. It’s a lot easier to love them when you’re 3,000 miles away and can’t see the cracks on the surface.
5. Because I’m consuming 5,000 calories a day on average and my stomach always hurts because my body is constipated from traveling. I feel like if someone put a pin in me, I would burst and a vat of mashed potatoes would spill out.
6. Because I’m tired of feeling the pressure to make everything amazing, of figuring out what to do for New Year’s Eve and coordinating everyone’s plans and hoping and praying this will be an awesome holiday season, the best ever.
7. Because between Christmas gifts and airfare, I am bleeding money, bleeding money everywhere, and am so, so broke and so scared to look at my bank balance and, oh my god, when am I getting paid? I am so screweddddddd.
8. Because I am horny and not getting laid and can’t even masturbate because I’m staying with family and that’d be gross.
9. Because I am fed up with hearing Christmas music and isn’t Christmas over, why is the week between Christmas and New Years so weird?
10. Because it’s hard to focus and get work done when your family is force-feeding you ham and asking you if you can just sit and “visit” with them. What the hell is “visiting” anyway? Do you want me to just stare at you?
11. Because I’ve already seen all the holidays movies I want to see. What now? Seriously.
12. Because being single during the holidays is like having your family shine a spotlight on your unused penis.
13. Because I’m done reflecting on the year 2012 and want to stop thinking about what the future holds because it’s freaking me out and please stop asking me, oh my god!!!
14. Did I mention already that I feel fat, my balance is scarier than Saw, and I can’t poop or masturbate? Oh. Kay. I’m done then.