Before Heidi Montag became a walking Frankenstein and the world knew of a perplexing enigma named Justin “Bobby,” The Hills was just another boring reality show about rich kids eating salad and making pained facial expressions. The first season, in particular, is pretty mind-blowing because it shows just how affected everyone became by the fame. Do you remember a time when Heidi Montag’s face didn’t resemble a melted candle? Or when Lauren was the one who was dating a verbally abusive monster, not Heidi? DO YOU?! Well, then it’s time for a refresher. Let us begin!
Seeing Lauren “The Girl Who Didn’t Go To Paris” Conrad in the beginning of The Hills is hilarious and not just because she chooses to wear a hideous headband in every single scene. Even though our girl is known for being a classy scoop of tasteless vanilla ice cream today, season one of The Hills gladly reminds us that Lauren Conrad used to be/secretly still is nothing more than tacky mall trash from Orange County. Yes, indeed. Before this fashionista discovered Chanel and Isabel Marant, she was haunting the Christian Audigier store on Melrose and wearing butterfly barrettes to sushi at Geisha House. Money can’t buy you class but in Lauren’s case, it can buy you a ton of distressed denim from Citizens Of Humanity.
Besides giving us the pleasure of watching her terrifying early ’00s fashion, season one of The Hills also reintroduces us to Jason Wahler — the bloated alcoholic Lauren used to date who treated her like a piece of bird shit that’s landed on the windshield of his Range Rover. I really don’t know what Lauren ever saw in him. The man doesn’t speak, unless it’s to scream at her in a drunken rage, and he looks like a human blowfish. Maybe he had a big dick? Not clear.
Whitney never really belonged on The Hills, did she? Her main purpose on the show was to hear Lauren complain about her love life while the two pretended to steam dresses at their internship and she could barely even do that. She had no interest in going to Les Deux with all the girls and playing a game of catch with Heidi’s new nose. She just wanted to get in there, film her scenes at work, and get the hell out. In the first season especially, you can tell that Whitney has no idea why she was cast on the show. She’s like, “Why are you forcing me into a room with this girl I don’t know and making me listen to her say the words “drama” and “best friend” over and over again? Where am I?” Even on her spinoff, The Shitty, Whitney was shockingly inept at being on camera. The only thing she proved to be good at is making bizarre faces that can be easily turned into amusing gifs.
Okay, I’m just going to say it: Audrina might be special needs. Her glassy dead eyes and that mouth that’s always slightly agape….she’s got to be a little like The Other Sister, am I right? Unfortunately, First Season Audrina is the same exact person as Whatever Season Audrina because stupid people don’t change, unless it’s to get stupider and even then it’s unremarkable. Audrina was cast on the show originally to be Heidi’s friend and you can tell that when Lauren meets her by the pool for the first time, she’s pissed. To be fair, she’s probably just wondering, “Who is this borderline-retarded person on MY show?” which I totes get. You know, as dumb as Audrina is, there’s something incredible about watching her. You’re just hypnotized by her lack of…everything. She makes all the other girls look emotive by comparison, which is no easy feat. Let’s face it, these ladies all ate brain tumors for breakfast.
Watching Heidi Montag in season one of The Hills is so depressing. She comes across as being so normal and sweet and PRETTY. Oh my god, her original face is so gorgeous. It’s so sad that she had to go and be all Jocelyn Wildenstein about it. Also, this is the only season we know of Heidi WITHOUT Spencer Pratt. The dude she dates in the first season, Jordan, is a douchebag but he’s not a psychotic, life-ruining manipulator like Spencer Pratt. She should’ve just stuck with the first guy and got married and settled into a nice split-level in Tarzana but instead, The Hills introduced her to a sociopath, ruined her life AND gave her a screwed up face to boot. Rude.