On Selecting Your Date
Teenager You: Hey, do you have a pulse? Are you reasonably attractive? Are we in the same social circle? Great, then let’s date! And by “date”, I mean tell our mutual friends that we have a crush on each other, talk on the phone ten hours a day and then walk off during lunch break to discuss our “relationship” before it ever really begins.
20-Something You: Hi, we met on OKCupid but we’re not going to actually tell people that, right? Let’s just say that we met at a concert. People still do that, right? Meet at concerts? Babe? Are you there?
On How Often You See Each Other
Teenager You: Oh my god, can you stop getting grounded? It’s bad enough that our parents won’t let us hang out too much because they fear that we’re getting too serious too quickly but now you’re constantly getting in trouble! I haven’t seen you in two weeks and I’m this close to just sneaking out and going to your house. I NEED TO SEE YOU GOD I MISS YOU. *Parent gets on the landline* “Honey, who are you talking to? It better not be your boyfriend!”
20-Something You: I mean, you basically live at my apartment now. You haven’t been home in a week. Do you want your own drawer?
Teenager You: Sarah Slovaka told me in Bio that she heard a rumor from Bobby DeFlavio that you’re cheating on me with Stephanie O’Shea. Is that true? Are you fucking cheating on me? I DON’T CARE THAT PEOPLE ARE STARING AT US! I NEED TO KNOW. NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST STOP TALKING. I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I’M SO SICK OF THE CONSTANT LIES. WE’RE DONE! Wait, come back. Where are you going?!
20-Something You: So the other day, when we were lying in bed together, I felt your body recoil when I tried to touch you. Should I just start moving out my stuff now or….?
On Making Up
Teenager You: I’m so sorry I ever doubted you. Thank god things were fixed. I never want to go through a 12 hours like that ever again. I love you so fucking much!
20-Something You: It’s going to be too expensive for us to break up. We’d have to like break our lease and find a new place to live. Let’s just try to make it work, okay?
The Idea Of A Date
Teenager You: Wanna go to the mall and then to Corey’s house to watch TV and then maybe to Sam’s Record Shack to look at some music and then back to my parents house to make out before it’s time for your curfew?
20-Something You: Wanna spend a few hundred dollars on some weird cabin upstate for the weekend? There’s a winery nearby.
On having safe sex
Teenager You: Don’t get me pregnant don’t get me pregnant don’t get me pregnant please god
20-Something You: Don’t give me an STD don’t give me an STD please no STDs
On The Concept Of Forever
Teenager You: I can definitely see us dating until I go away to college. Definitely.
20-Something You: I mean, I should start thinking about whether or not I could marry this person, right? Otherwise, what’s the point? Right? Oh God.