1. Must have a unique and zany ability to always turn the conversation back to them. “OMG, so they’re saying that the tumor on your stomach might’ve metastasized? God, that reminds me SO MUCH of the time I got mono senior year of high school. I feel you, girl. Hugs and tickles!”
2. Must make you feel vaguely uncomfortable at all times. Thoughts like, “If this person is supposed to be one of my best friends, why do I always feel so weird around them?” should enter your mind often!
3. Must be totally fair-weather!!! “Wow, you have a plus one to the major party event of the year? I’ll be there in 60 seconds, girlfriend! Oh, you’re sick with the flu and need chicken soup? Oh, you just got dumped and need a shoulder to lean on? Oh. You know, I have really bad shoulders and am a staunch vegetarian. If I smell meat, I puke so perhaps you should call someone else. Love you like a sister though!”
4. Must L-O-V-E to put you down in subtle passive aggressive ways. You get the feeling that you’re this person’s “dinner and a movie” friend — someone they don’t really want to bring to social gatherings because, I don’t know, something about you is embarrassing?
5. Must try to dominate and one-up you in group conversations. The best kind of terrible friends are the ones who are cripplingly insecure!!!! It’s true, hon. You heard it here first!!!
6. Must flirt with your boyfriend right in front of you. Bonus points if they actually fuck!
7. Must be really skilled at betraying your confidence. When you talk crap about someone to this friend, you can rest assured that they’ll go and blab it immediately. “I’m only telling you the things this person said about you because I’m a really good friend…”
8. Must be a trainwreck. This doesn’t feel so much like a friendship as it does it a thankless internship. You’re constantly making apologies for their behavior or carrying their drunk ass home. Being their friend is a full-time job. You might as well include it on your resume!
9. Must love having crises every single day and rely on you for making them feel better about themselves. God, this person is such a gem. You need to get matching friendship bracelets ASAP!
10. Must drop off the face of the earth when they get into a relationship, only to reemerge during the break up asking for your love and guidance. If this happens, just play the song “What Have you Done For Me Lately?” by Janet Jackson. They’ll get the message.
11. Must borrow money from you constantly and never pay you back. Gosh, with friends like these, who needs friends?!
12. Must borrow your clothes, get wasted, and return them with stains. When you point out the damage they’ve done to the garment, they act shocked and say, “That wasn’t me. That was definitely there before. GOD, STOP BEING SO MEAN TO ME!”
13. Must always avoid responsibility when they do something heinous and turn it around on you. It is so fun when people do that to you. I wish it happened more, to be honest!
14. When you go out to eat together, this friend must only give you the exact amount they owe and nothing more. “Okay, so my dish was $10.99? Great, here’s $11.00. Bye!”
15. Must make you feel stupid and ugly. Duh. All the best horrible friends do this. If they don’t leave you near tears on a semi-regular basis, they’re doing a terrible job on being a terrible person!