Watching The Season Finale Of Gallery Girls On Xanax

For the season finale of Gallery Ghouls, I wanted to do something special, something that would be an appropriate homage to these seven barely conscious divas that I’ve grown to abhor over the past few months.

But what could I do? How could I best serve the legacy of these women? Hmmm, I suppose I could pay tribute to Chantal by dating a lesbian named Spencer and casting deadly spells on Ludlow Street. That would probably be too messy though. I’d have to kill innocent people and get blood all over my clothes. Then, on top of the whole being a murderer thing, I would have to learn how to work a vagina, which is something I’m not willing to do — even for these soul-sucking demons. I really don’t know how Chantal does it. She works all day, hawking $200 gothic bindis to girls named Oxtail, and still manages to find time to kill three people on her walk home from work AND eat Spencer out. Woo, I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Then I thought, maybe I could emulate Liz and make fun of unsuspecting Asians at the School of Visual Arts. That seems easy enough. Or perhaps I could hand a random stranger on the street $2,000 and ask if they would like to be my best friend, like Amy essentially did at Art Basel.

No, that’s not good enough! I hate being racist and I don’t have $2,000 to just throw away on someone. You know what? I’ll just take Xanax and watch the episode in a haze. I think that’s what the gallery ghouls would’ve wanted. Every week I ask myself, “How can I be more like these wretched nightmares?” and the answer to that, I discovered, is to take a bar of Xanax and say good-bye to all of your feelings and/or empathy! So, there you have it. I popped my bar, I pressed play on my DVR, and then I let the games begin. (Warning: Because of my Xanax intake, my memory of the season finale is swiss cheese but I guess that doesn’t actually matter. I mean, you never read these recaps for accuracy, did you?)

Liz

I honestly don’t remember Liz being in the season finale and I don’t think that’s just because I was on a drug that causes memory loss. I vaguely recall her being at an art opening at Eli Klein’s and giving Maggie the evil eye, since apparently they’re still feuding. Then I remember one other scene in which Liz called her absentee father and left a message that said, “Papa don’t preach. I’m in trouble deep! Papa, can you hear meeeeeeeee?” Then it was a wrap on Liz. I guess the producers didn’t find the storyline of a mean rich girl in dire need of her father’s love compelling enough. Which I totally understand. It’s not.

Amy

Amy started off the episode in her usual psycho Amy way by sobbing hysterically at some diner in Gramercy Park. Maggie wanted to have lunch with Amy to apologize for writing her off as a desperado drunk girl. “You’re actually sweet,” Maggie mumbled. “I shouldn’t have paid attention to Liz and her shit talking because you’re, like, a good person.” Then Amy started crying because she thought to herself, “Finally! I have a friend! Someone to braid my hair and eat cupcakes and talk about boys with! Maybe I should order a twin size bed for Maggie and I to sleep in together! I bet Maggie would like that. Yes, yes she would. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to buy us a studio apartment and surprise her with it! It’ll just be us, two wacky single girls… wait, Maggie has a boyfriend but that’s fine. I can take care of him… we’ll be living our crazy lives together… forever. It’ll be great.” Yeah, good work, Maggie. You know that if you give Amy an inch, she’ll take a mile so have fun with her nipping at your heels FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I wish this wasn’t the season finale just so I could see next week’s episode when Amy buys them matching friendship bracelets from Tiffany’s and Maggie just blinks.

Maggie

So the big drama of the season finale involved Maggie and Amy both vying for the same job position at a gallery. The whole thing was so obviously scripted and not real, but let’s pretend for a moment that it actually happened. Maggie tries out for a job at a new gallery that she had interviewed for a couple episodes ago. Her trial day turned out to be a complete disaster though because, I don’t know, Maggie mistook her Xanax for birth control for the millionth time, and showed up to work completely sedated. The gallery owner — whose name I can’t recall because, hi, Xanax — asked her to find some business cards in his file cabinet but Maggie couldn’t do it because the new layout was confusing to her. Then he asked her to make him some coffee and she failed at that too. At the end of the day, it was so obvious that she had done a terrible job, but for some reason Maggie was under the impression that she performed well and had landed a job. So what’d she do next? She went to Eli Klein’s and QUIT, telling everyone that she had landed a new fancy paid position at another gallery. Okay, this had to be scripted because no one is this stupid, right? Anyway, the next morning Amy comes in for her trial day at the gallery and blows everyone away because she can actually make coffee and appear enthusiastic about things. Honestly, that’s Maggie’s biggest problem. She’s physically incapable of showing ANY KIND of enthusiasm for anything. Whatever she’s doing, it looks like she wants to kill herself. So, fast forward a few days later, the gallery calls Maggie in and basically tells her, “You didn’t get the job because you looked miserable being here and you have the personality of sandpaper.” Maggie denied it in her weird Maggie way by half-crying and whispering, “That’s not true… that’s not true.” Um, someone needs to tell this chick how to communicate with people. Whenever she receives bad news, she becomes catatonic and starts to lightly convulse. It’s weird. I certainly would’t hire Maggie. Then again, I also wouldn’t hire Amy. All of these girls are defective!

Chantal

Chantal ran off to Paris with her lesbian lover and a suitcase full of dead bodies, leaving End Of Century with Claudia and that other girl who wasn’t interesting enough to become a full-time cast member. Then Chantal claimed that she became violently ill while in Paris and had to go to a hospital. When she finally returned, Claudia was like, “Bitch, where have you been? We have no money!” and Chantal was like, “I’m moving to Paris actually so bye…” and Claudia was like, “What?” Jesus, do these girls realize they’re running a business? They treat their store like it’s some annoying friend from high school they have to meet for a catch up lunch. It’s bizarre. Anyway, Chantal and Claudia had this weird anti-climatic showdown in which Chantal suggested that Claudia leave End Of Century and then… nothing happened. At least, I think nothing happened. Did I imagine nothing getting resolved or was it the drugs? Commenters, help me out here. Claudia didn’t leave End Of Century, right? I’m pretty sure she still works there out of fear that Chantal will kill her and her entire family in Michigan if she leaves. Maybe she should do a protection spell to keep her away. “I bind you, Chantal. From doing harm to others and doing harm to yourself.”

Claudia

Claudia grew a pair of Cisco Adler balls this week and told Angela over drinks that she not only wanted to leave End Of Century, she wanted to see it fail and burn to the ground. LOL. She also called Chantal a pathological liar, which I enjoyed. You know what? I like Claudia. She comes off the best in the show, I think. She’s just an innocent girl from Michigan who bought into the fantasy of skinny jeans and Adderall. She listened to one Kings Of Leon song in high school and became a goner. A total goner. I think we can all relate to being friends with terrible people and getting treated like crap and buying into an image that doesn’t quite fit us, right? Right.

Angela

Angela stirred the pot of drama this week when she told Chantal everything Claudia had said to her at drinks. It was a really crappy move and I’m not even sure why she did it. Maybe because the producers were holding a paint gun to her head? Or maybe she wanted screen time? Whatever the reason, it was lame. Angela must know that Chantal is evil. Why even feel the need to stick up for her?

Kerri

Still dead. TC Mark

image – Gallery Girls

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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