How To Get Girls To Like You

Girls want two things in a man: they want someone who can save their life — be a knight in shining armor and all that jazz — and then they want someone who will RUIN their life by being an emotionally unavailable asshole. Think you got what it takes to be both? Then let’s begin!

Find a girl you like and then follow her. It’s not creepy if you don’t intend on assaulting her, I swear! Call up your friend and have him stage a mugging so you can intervene and save the day, thus becoming a hero in her eyes. Don’t worry! He’s not going to actually mug her! He’s going to just scare her a little bit until you come running along. THIS IS A TOTALLY NORMAL THING TO DO, BY THE WAY. This is how Justin Bieber got Selena Gomez to fall in love with him.

So this girl. She’s blonde and pretty and is usually drinking a pumpkin spice latte eighteen hours out of every day. You like her. You love her. You need her. You’re going to hire a friend to mug her.

Follow her as she’s walking home alone from a bar late at night. Have your friend come up from behind and shove her.

“Um, excuse me. Watch where you’re going!” the girl hisses, not registering that this is going to be a mugging.

“No, uh, you excuse me!” your friend weakly yells. “I’m going to mug you now!”

Shoot. Maybe you shouldn’t have hired your friend Brian, the Kindergarten teacher, to do the fake mugging. He’s about as threatening as a piece of edamame.

“What?” The girl asks blankly.

“Yeah, give me your purse and get on the ground now!”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Well, why not?” Brian was getting flustered. This wasn’t good.

“Because I want my purse, you fool. Leave me alone.” The girl turns to walk away and you’re not sure what to do. As far as fake muggings go, this one was clearly a fail. You decide to just go for it and try to “save the day” anyway.

“Hey, asshole! Get your hands off of her!” You run towards Brian with your fists flying. He tries to escape but you figure you need to get at least one punch to make it look legit. You take a swing and hear a hard crack go through his nose.

“WTF?” Brian screams. “You broke my nose!”

The girl of your dreams is standing there looking more confused than overjoyed.

“Ow,” Brian yelps. “That really hurt.”

Uh oh. You feel bad. You never discussed a punch. What do you do?!

Panicking, you decide to disregard Brian’s injury and push him into an alleyway.

“Quick!” you yell to the girl. “Let’s run!”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” she says. “But thanks anyway for the help.”

“No, uh, he has a gun. I saw it!”

Becoming a bit more visibly frightened, the girl agrees to run with you. You then “coincidentally” run into an empty park that has jazz playing and a bunch of candles lit.

“How random,” you say. “An empty park with beautiful music wafting through abandoned iHome speakers! Shall we sit on this equally random blanket that’s lying here?”

“Uh, I’m going to pass.” she tells you, crushing your dreams. “Besides, I think we’re safe.”

Before she leaves, you somehow convince her to give you her number.

You spend the following week texting distant spare remarks, thinking that this is going to make you more enticing to her, but it backfires terribly. She doesn’t feed into your game. In fact, she stops responding to your texts altogether.

Needing to employ a different strategy, you decide to make concrete plans with her.

“Hey, wanna grab a drink tonight?”

“I could do that. Where?”

“7 p.m. at Rufio’s.”

“Okay. See you then.

“Great! I’m excited. Can’t wait to hang!”

Then, feeling the need to switch into asshole mode again, you decide to just not show up for the date.

The next day, she texts you, “Um, did you really stand me up on the date YOU planned for us? What’s your damage?”

“Sorry. Got busy.”

“Well, screw you then! Bye.”

Frantic, you text, “Wait, I’m sorry! Please let me make it up to you! I swear, give me one last chance.”

“Are you bipolar? I’m only asking because my ex was and I really don’t want to go through that again.”

“I’m not, honest!”

Tell her to meet at a restaurant that night. In preparation for the date, rent out the entire restaurant so it can be just the two of you. Then hire a symphony to play during your date.

Show up thirty minutes late and find her sitting alone in the dark empty restaurant with an entire symphony surrounding her, playing Chopin.

“Sorry, I’m late. Got held up. Wow, it’s weird that this place is empty. And that an entire symphony is playing for us.”

Exasperated, the girl yells, ” Cut the crap. You rented this place out just for us, didn’t you?”

“Are you kidding me? No way. That’s gay.”

“There’s a note on the door with both of our names on it that says, “Private party. Your symphony awaits!”

Damn it. Unsure of what to do, you just bark at her, “Your hair looks ugly tonight! And you look fat!”

How do guys do this?! How do they manage to be the emotionally stunted jerk AND the debonair charmer? THIS IS TOO HARD.

She gets up to leave but you stop her and decide to come clean about the whole thing. Weirdly, she still likes you, despite the fact that you hired someone to “lightly” assault her, and you guys fall in love. Or something. TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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