1. The public library
It’s pretty much known that public libraries are just glorified day spas for homeless people. They get to sit in an air-conditioned space, have unlimited access to computers, and live la vida luxury! I used to write at the Soho public library, which was populated primarily by vagrants and schizophrenics, and I would always feel like Linda Evangelista walking through those doors because everyone else was toothless and/or on heroin. In New York, it’s exceedingly rare that you feel like the chicest person in the room but at the Soho public library I was exactly that. My main competition was a man named Bongo who, despite having a tendency to bang his head against the desk and laugh at shadows, was actually kind of sexy in a “Hepatitis C” kind of way.
2. The Olive Garden (or any chain restaurant for that matter)
When you’re here, you’re hideous! My love for The Olive Garden goes beyond their magical breadsticks and breathtaking Tour Of Italy. I also enjoy it because it makes me feel like a total glamazon. I strut through the doors wearing incognito shades and my most sophisticated outfit. (Seriously. When I go to The Olive Garden, it usually takes me about an hour to get ready.) I then survey the surroundings and realize that I’m the only one who’s not 85 years old or dining with their five children and sigh contentedly. Unfortunately, the last time I was at the blessed Garden Of Olive, I was seated next to a table of young hot gay guys and immediately felt territorial. I couldn’t believe it! Real life attractive gay people fraternizing at MY Olive Garden? The nerve! Instead of spending my usual four hours at the restaurant, I ate my meal quickly and got the hell out of there. Walking home, I asked myself “If you can’t feel attractive at The Olive Garden, where can you?” The answer is, of course, nowhere.
3. The DMV
I’m convinced that some people like to hang out at the DMV just for fun because every time I’m there, I see the same creepy people loitering about in their muuu muuus. I always wonder, “WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE BUSINESS TO TEND TO AT THE DMV?” Like everyone else in America, I used to hate the DMV because, duh, it’s gross. But since I got hit by a car and have a limp, the people who work there are convinced that I’m mentally retarded and let me skip all the lines and fill out my paperwork for me. The first time I received special treatment, I was offended and wanted to scream at them, “Hey! Stop that! I’m totally capable of waiting in a line and filling out a form!” But then when I looked around the room and realized who I had to share air space with for the next three hours, I decided to just go with it. There are very few upsides to having a limp so if you can find a way to work it to your advantage, you do it, no questions asked.
4. Your hometown
Is there anything more gratifying than moving away from your hometown, coming into your looks, and then going back and realizing everyone else peaked in high school? I was hideous when I was a teenager. My skin was terrible, my hair could only be described as Tegan and Sara-esque, and my outfit choices were always unflattering. But somehow I knew that in order to be good-looking later, I had to be ugly now. So I owned my ugliness! I wore it like a badge of honor. Plus, I had a feeling that all the attractive 16-year-old babes were going to be in a #dark place later so I wasn’t envious of their so-called good fortune. It’s unnatural to not go through an ugly phase. You gotta pay your dues sometime.
5. A family vacation
When you go on a family vacation, you feel young and beautiful the entire time. Chances are your parents will be wearing the typical tourist uniform of high socks, a fanny pack, and khaki shorts while you’ll be donning your “Look at me, I’m still youthful!” outfit. Then, because your parents are old, you’ll be dragged to all of these places that are filled with other parents and you’ll just feel so out of place. You’ll pretend to hate it and be bored but secretly you’ll love being seen as the baby. Everyone will observe you with a hint of jealousy and wistfulness. You’ll feel like a glamorous enigma who is just sooooo different from everybody else. And if you just so happen to meet another attractive person who’s not your parents age, you can pretty much guarantee that they’ll have sex with you.