1. Updating her Twitter. A short while ago, Amanda did the unthinkable and deleted all of her tweets, which is such a shame because they were utterly amazing. They read like a sorority girl on crack. When she wasn’t busy tweeting about how much she loved black guys, she was teaching us what “BRB” meant and breaking the news of her retirement from acting (only to retract it six days later). Seriously, Amanda, come back. I’ll pay you five dollars a tweet as added incentive. (Just kidding, I have no money but I have a great weed dealer I could set you up with.)
2. Breaking up with Kid Cudi. In July, Crazy Days And Nights revealed a blind item about the couple, which indicated that the rapper had gotten Bynes hooked on drugs, was spending all her money, and generally treating her like a piece of crap. If that’s true, it would certainly explain why Bynes has been acting like such a psycho lately — on and off the road. Amanda, please take a cab to Kid Cudi’s house and dump his D-list ass immediately before checking into some rehab at Broken Promises.
3. Um, acting. Out of all people, I didn’t expect Amanda Bynes to turn into another Hollywood celebutard. Before all of these driving incidents occurred, she was primarily known as a talented, funny comedian who lived a low-key life in the Valley. Not anymore. The last acting gig she had was in 2010 with Easy A. It’d be a shame if she threw away all of her talent for a dick rapper and some wasted joyrides. Amanda, I know you’re stoned as hell right now, but trust me: Baja Fresh tacos and colored lightbulbs at Home Depot aren’t worth getting arrested over.
4. Learning the Los Angeles public transit system. As someone who doesn’t drive, I understand Amanda’s reticence to handing over her license and having to rough it on the streets of Los Angeles but, like, get over it. I’ll help you learn, babe. I’ll hold your hand to the 720 bus stop on Wilshire and we can take it to The Grove or something. Help me help you, Amanda.
5. Starring in a reality show! Judging by her activities the other day — in which Bynes got high, ate food, went to a spa for three hours, and then drove around aimlessly before ending up at a Home Depot — her life seems to be a nonstop thrill ride. I would love to see a reality show about Amanda’s new life without a driver’s license. I’m sure it would just involve her getting high with her cat and scaling the walls of Kid Cudi’s house to make sure he’s not cheating on her but I don’t know. I’d still watch it. I’d watch her in anything at this point. I’d watch a show about Amanda speaking in baby talk to her big toe. I really don’t care. I just want more of her!