When news spread that Lindsay Lohan stepped out on her Chateau Marmont bill and might’ve been involved in yet another jewelry heist, my heart sunk. It seems like whenever the troubled starlet appears to be on the mend, she does something royally stupid that brings her back to square one. Can someone truly be so self-destructive? Will she ever hit a rock bottom and get it together? I decided to go to the source herself and ask the hard-hitting questions no one else was asking. Just kidding! Lindsay loathes Thought Catalog so I decided to make it all up.
Thought Catalog: Hey babe. How are you holding up?
Lindsay Lohan: I’m great actually! I just wrapped The Canyons and now I’m in New York taking meetings and such. I’m just so happy to be working again.
TC: Um, I mean, how are you doing with all of these accusations flying around about you stealing over $100,000 of jewelry from a house party in the Hollywood Hills and not paying your bill at the Chateau Marmont.
LL: As far as the Chateau goes, that hotel pays ME to stay there. I keep its infamous reputation intact. The stealing accusations are pure slander and lies! The D.A. just dropped the case.
TC: Okay, but still…
LL: Look, I’m an artist of many things. I am not a klepto.
TC: Well, you did plead no contest to stealing that $2500 necklace a year ago…
LL: That was research for a role.
TC: In 2008, you stole a model’s mink coat.
LL: It was a sick coat.
TC: In 2010, you stole a $35,000 Rolex.
LL: I love knowing what time it is.
TC: Okay. I mean, I don’t know, honey. All signs point to Winona Ryder.
LL: I love Winona. She’s a total inspiration to me as an actress. Like Marilyn Monroe or Ann Margaret. Ann Margaret wants to work with me, by the way. We’ve had meetings.
TC: Cut the soundbites, Lindsay, and just admit it. You’re freaking crazy.
LL: LOL, yeah okay, I’m a total psycho.
LL: My health care plan doesn’t cover Lithium? There are a lot of reasons. Have you seen my family?
TC: Who hasn’t?
LL: So you get it. I didn’t stand a chance coming from that line of freakshows. I tried to get Meryl Streep to adopt me when we did A Prairie Home Companion together but she was like, “No.”
TC: Oh bummer, that would’ve been so cool.
LL: I know, right? Love Meryl Steep as my mom.
TC: So what are you going to do? Do you have any interest in getting better?
LL: Maybe. The other night I was on Ambien and writing in my journal, as I’m wont to do, and realized that I’ve been spent like a combined year and a half of my life in jail and rehab. Isn’t that crazy?
LL: I’ve packed a lot in though. I got into a high-speed chase with my assistant’s mom in Santa Monica, ditched my court date to party in Cannes, became a lesbian for a hot minute, stole a bunch of clothes, fell into such a deep sleep that seven EMT’s had to wake me up, got into 5,000 car accidents, slept with the occasional gay guy… what else is there to do?
TC: I don’t know. Act?
LL: If you’ve seen Just My Luck or Labor Pains, you’ve seen what I can do. I really don’t know what else I can give to the public — emotionally, spiritually, or sexually.
TC: So that’s it?
LL: Ew, no! You’re acting like I’m all ready to die and stuff which is NOT true. I have major plans, babe. Just you wait.
TC: (noticing that my watch is missing) Does one of those plans involve stealing my watch?
And that was it. Fearing that Lindsay would steal even more my personal belongings, I aborted this fake interview.