What I Want Out Of Life

These are the things I want out of life, in no particular order.

I want less anxiety and more of a “go with the flow” kind of attitude. I envy those who can just goooooooo with the flowwwwwww. How do you do that? Do you have to be stoned? Do you have to be stupid? I assume mellow people just aren’t paying enough attention to their surroundings. That, or they have a really good psychiatrist.

I want to go out of my comfort zone and be more open to having new experiences. My life exists on a rigid structure, a structure that prevents me from having any surprises or spontaneous adventures, and I prefer it that way. It keeps me far away from stress, which is my number one enemy. I can’t help but think that because of my rules though, I’ve missed out on a lot of life. By being so afraid of everything, I’ve cut myself off from so many opportunities, so much potential love and excitement. Sometimes I fear I’ve become so locked inside of myself that I won’t ever find a way out. And all for what? So I wouldn’t be out of control? Sometimes the best things come from being out of control.

I want to be less ruled by guilt and shame. I’m getting better but I’m not quite where I’d like to be with it. I still find myself making mistakes and going into intense shame spirals because of it. It never gets me anywhere; the shame just makes it worse. It feeds into my guilt, blows it out of proportion, and leaves me feeling so bad about myself. I’ve been learning not to do this anymore, to make a mistake and just have a hit and run with it. Leave the crime scene! But you know, easier said than done!

I want to be one of those older, sophisticated adults who not only looks like they have it all together but actually does! Everyone says things like, “No one has it together at any age!” but some people really did figure this life thing out. They were lucky. They had a ride with few bumps. I want that. I want to settle into my own skin and wrap a polo sweater around that shit.

I want good sex, comfortable sex, exciting sex, and boring sex all with the same person. I want central air conditioning and a dog. I want a backyard and laundry inside my house. I want nice weather, no snow, no rain boots. I want to stop measuring success based on the amount that’s on my paycheck. I want to always be able to do what I love and never imagine a different reality.

Like Lauren Conrad once said, I WANT TO FORGIVE YOU AND I WANT TO FORGET YOU.

I want perfect health. I don’t want to get hit by any more cars and have anything else taken away from me. GIRL, I AM DONE.

I want to look at things through a less judgmental lens even if it changes the way I write. (This one is sort of a lie but I imagine the better version of myself wanting this.)

I want to lay in bed all day by myself, I want to lay in bed with someone else. I want to be less focused on what I don’t have and concentrate on the things that I do. (This list is making that hard obviously.)

I don’t want to regret things. Regrets are useless. As a general rule, I don’t indulge regret so I probably won’t start now.

Most of all, I want people to sweat as much as me during the summer. They say they do but I see them walking around and I can see that they’re lying.

If I don’t get everything I want (and I won’t) I will be okay. Just let me get some of them. TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.

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