What I Want Out Of Life

These are the things I want out of life, in no particular order.

I want less anxiety and more of a “go with the flow” kind of attitude. I envy those who can just goooooooo with the flowwwwwww. How do you do that? Do you have to be stoned? Do you have to be stupid? I assume mellow people just aren’t paying enough attention to their surroundings. That, or they have a really good psychiatrist.

I want to go out of my comfort zone and be more open to having new experiences. My life exists on a rigid structure, a structure that prevents me from having any surprises or spontaneous adventures, and I prefer it that way. It keeps me far away from stress, which is my number one enemy. I can’t help but think that because of my rules though, I’ve missed out on a lot of life. By being so afraid of everything, I’ve cut myself off from so many opportunities, so much potential love and excitement. Sometimes I fear I’ve become so locked inside of myself that I won’t ever find a way out. And all for what? So I wouldn’t be out of control? Sometimes the best things come from being out of control.

I want to be less ruled by guilt and shame. I’m getting better but I’m not quite where I’d like to be with it. I still find myself making mistakes and going into intense shame spirals because of it. It never gets me anywhere; the shame just makes it worse. It feeds into my guilt, blows it out of proportion, and leaves me feeling so bad about myself. I’ve been learning not to do this anymore, to make a mistake and just have a hit and run with it. Leave the crime scene! But you know, easier said than done!

I want to be one of those older, sophisticated adults who not only looks like they have it all together but actually does! Everyone says things like, “No one has it together at any age!” but some people really did figure this life thing out. They were lucky. They had a ride with few bumps. I want that. I want to settle into my own skin and wrap a polo sweater around that shit.

I want good sex, comfortable sex, exciting sex, and boring sex all with the same person. I want central air conditioning and a dog. I want a backyard and laundry inside my house. I want nice weather, no snow, no rain boots. I want to stop measuring success based on the amount that’s on my paycheck. I want to always be able to do what I love and never imagine a different reality.


I want perfect health. I don’t want to get hit by any more cars and have anything else taken away from me. GIRL, I AM DONE.

I want to look at things through a less judgmental lens even if it changes the way I write. (This one is sort of a lie but I imagine the better version of myself wanting this.)

I want to lay in bed all day by myself, I want to lay in bed with someone else. I want to be less focused on what I don’t have and concentrate on the things that I do. (This list is making that hard obviously.)

I don’t want to regret things. Regrets are useless. As a general rule, I don’t indulge regret so I probably won’t start now.

Most of all, I want people to sweat as much as me during the summer. They say they do but I see them walking around and I can see that they’re lying.

If I don’t get everything I want (and I won’t) I will be okay. Just let me get some of them. TC Mark

Ryan O'Connell

I'm a brat.


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  • H

    Oh god, I want people to sweat as much as I do too! I guarantee I sweat more than you Ryan, I even sweat profusely in winter. To the point where I look like I’ve washed my face if I’m somewhere where the window is closed.

  • http://harrisonwilder.com Harrison Wilder

    You can learn to go with the flow…even if you’re a control-freak. Trust me…I know. :) Try knowing that you could correct something and then don’t. Sit back and let others make decisions. It’s kinda fun! Pick and choose the areas where you want to have the reigns and give the rest away.

  • liaju
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  • http://www.facebook.com/ciara.garner.7 Ciara Garner

    Been dealing with a lot of stress in life lately and this basically sums what I want for my life too! I’m going to print this and keep it as a great reminder! Thanks again, Ryan, for lifting my spirits!

  • http://revisitshakti.wordpress.com harshu26

    Reblogged this on shaktiandshanti.

  • http://www.allthesmile.tumblr.com Jamie

    I’ve mastered the balance between being a control freak and going with the flow (thanks to Boston public transportation). When you start tapping your foot and checking your phone because the next minute will probably be better than this one, just say to yourself “I am exactly where I should be, and I can’t be any place else anyway”. Works wonders. Contrary to your thought that mellow people must not be paying attention to their surroundings, it is exactly the opposite. Only care about your surroundings and everything else just kind of goes away. Also, weed helps.

  • paul

    Always acknowledge and appreciate the multiplicity of everyhing. I’m type A, in grad school, drug freeish, and finally did learn to slow down and truly appreciate the complexities of daily existence. just breathe, fuck the flow, and be you.

  • Danielle

    I want to go with the flow as well, man. It’s hard. My best friend is very indifferent and I’m high stung and always moving. It’s a lot of work to be chill.

  • http://twitter.com/brendagarcia35 Brenda (@brendagarcia35)

    obsessed with this.

  • http://marikounwritten.com Mariko

    I can definitely relate to this…especially the stress bit. Sometimes, stress is beneficial and can propel us to greater things.

  • Ally

    My friends all claim that I am the most go with the flow person they have ever met, and I used to suffer from an anxiety disorder a few years ago. I have come a long way and I found the trick isn’t to not pay attention to your surroundings, but instead is to take in all your surroundings and just stop worrying. Just take it as it comes and you will be smooth sailing.

  • http://randommindtrip.wordpress.com randommindtrip

    Having been told that I am very much a go with the flow person, there is more to it than what you think. Drugs are not needed. I pay attention to my surroundings but I pay attention to what interest me. I dont care if my neighbors band is playing late at night and I can hear them. Actually they are pretty good. I know that would drive some people crazy but I can tune it out completely if I need to. I get stressed at work and with things that happen in life, but I dont let it get to me. Really a person can only do so much. If you give it your all then you know you did what you could. If someone thinks less of you because of X who cares they are probably a jealous asshole themselves. Going with the flow is not about freedom it about realizing what is important in your life and trying to stay true to that. I am always learning about myself and trying to grow. Its about doing your best to live life by your rules not what “they” tell you the rules are, Simple some people are wired to be type A and some people are wired to smoke weed and live in a van in the Keys. Regardless how you are programmed self evaluation and realization will only help to de-stress your life and make you a better you. Good Luck!

    • NJ


      But I wasn’t as strong in mind and spirit to bring that sort of change to myself. Only after experimenting with LSD did it become clear – We are exactly where we’re supposed to be. But as Hunter S. Thompson once said, “I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” Maybe you could gain some perspective from having a closer look into a writer, and his work, who always has been going with the flow.

      • http://behance.net/nataliejean NJ

        That being said I hope you do find your centre. If you could do it without any trippy narcotics, your mind and spirit is definitely much stronger and capable than most who decide being ignorant is good enough.

  • stephanie

    completely agree with everything you mentioned!

  • Carly Ganz

    i love this as always. i want every single thing. especially to settle into my own skin and wrap a polo sweater around that shit.

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  • gabi

    i’m drunk this is good it is everything i’m thinking right now except i wish i was more kristin cavallari than LC… she just seems to be flowing with the going more

  • Francesca

    “Like Lauren Conrad once said, I WANT TO FORGIVE YOU AND I WANT TO FORGET YOU.” I always imagine her saying this in my head whenever I think of that “one” person. Glad I’m not alone!

  • http://rachelemilywrites.wordpress.com rachelemilyb

    So, so spot-on about not having regret. There are very few decisions that are as permanent as we believe them to be, and as the cliche goes, life is too short to feel gross about your past mistakes. You dust off, you learn, and you get right back up again.

  • Bailey

    I don’t usually comment on these things but I just wanted to say that I love following you on here, Ryan. You always seem to say exactly what I’m thinking but better. Keep it up and thank you!

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