1. Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus’ Twitter reads like a fifteen year old’s diary. There are a lot of hearts, inspirational quotes, and pictures of her dogs. She also uses it as an opportunity to address haters, slam paparazzi, and give updates about her hair. Overall, she seems to be a happy girl but one thing she’s very honest about is her brave battle with insomnia. She often tweets things like “can’t sleep dang it!” and when she does that, it feels like we’re getting to know THE REAL HER, you know? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I would love to see her be more honest and tweet about getting wasted and taking bong rips (the most salacious gossip we get is when she accidentally eats gluten) but it doesn’t seem very likely. Maybe as she gets older, she’ll be more comfortable showing us more than her sideboob.
Rihanna is crazy. Rihanna is high. Rihanna LOVES astrology! Those are the most obvious things I can glean from her Twitter feed. It’s one of my favorite celebrity Twitter accounts because there is no censor. Homegirl will post pictures of herself where she looks like a straight-up junkie and does not care. It’s Rihanna’s world, we just tweet in it. Other highlights of the feed: whenever Rihanna talks about getting high or writes saccharine crap like this: “If I just spread my wings I can fly.” LOL, okay honey. How high are you flying when you’re on that purple haze tip?
Cher tweets like a toddler with brain damage which is why I LOVE her Twitter so much. You think with all that money and power, Cher would have an assistant draft her tweets but no sirrie. Cher’s in control all the way which means that there’s a ton of grammar and punctuation errors. Sample tweet: “I need2 talk 2 ppl Who DONT LOVE ME 2 ! Im a Fighter!” Um, okay, I get that old people don’t understand computers but if you’ve mastered Twitter, you should know how to use a spacebar. Maybe Cher’s just screwing with us and she’s secretly a great writer?
4. Britney Spears
If Rihanna and Cher are uncensored divas, Britney’s Twitter is a sad case of a celebrity who’s been neutered by her team of handlers. Much like the real Britney herself, her feed is devoid of any real personality. She tweets smiley faces over bland non-committal statements and occasionally will tweet a picture of her lounging by the pool. The whole thing is a snoozefest. Xanax and mood stabilizers do the tweeting, not Britney.
5. Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber holds the honorable distinction of having the second most Twitter followers EVER. So what do 26 million people get the pleasure of reading? Um, nothing. His Twitter feed is mostly RT’s of compliments from fans which is the absolute worst. Why do people RT compliments? You don’t go up to people and talk about how everyone thinks you’re great, right? Then why would you do that to millions of strangers?!
6. Heidi Montag
Seriously, are all celebrities secretly five-year-old girls? Do they have that condition as seen in the Robin Williams movie Jack where they look grown up but have actually only been alive for a few years? Because some of these Twitter accounts are shockingly dumb. I’m talking middle school thoughts here. Heidi Montag’s Twitter is my favorite example of this. It’s soooo insipid. Like, I can just see Heidi hunched over at her computer, wincing real hard and typing tweets with one finger. Examples: “Wow I’m up late! It’s must be Saturday!” or” Listening to Christmas music… Never too early to get that Christmas spirit!” WHAT? Honey, you had 10 cosmetic procedures done in one day. You hate yourself. You are the darkest of the #dark and you’re tweeting about CHRISTMAS MUSIC? Let’s get real.
7. Lindsay Lohan
One of my favorite pastimes is to tweet mean things at Lindsay Lohan. I know it’s not very evolved of me but I can’t resist. She’s just so insane! Once she tweeted at LA County telling them that she’s a taxpayer and they need to fix a broken stoplight on Sunset Boulevard. I tweeted at her, “Um, your BS has wasted so many tax dollars lol!” Because seriously. How much of our taxpayer dollars have gone to keeping her locked up? Like no. You don’t get to be a brat about a broken stoplight when we’ve been funding your shenanigans! Besides that, Lindsay tries to project an “Every girl” vibe on her Twitter feed. She tweets about missing her family and talks about spending a day at the beach. It’s all very PG and not very accurate of what’s really going on in her life. LiLo is falling asleep in bathtubs at the Chateau Marmont, not surfing.